I am not a spokesman for the LDS Church, but I am a member of it. I would like to introduce this blog post with a disclaimer and an invitation.
First the disclaimer, at times the
language that I use to describe my experience may be confusing or practices
that are briefly mentioned need more detail. I am happy to answer questions if
you choose to submit them, or you can visit Lds.org and Mormon.org to find out
more about my faith. Lastly the invitation, if you know someone that needs to here this message please share this post with them.
1. My Preparation for an Eternal Marriage
As a student of the scriptures I intensely studied the book
of the Old Testament. Some of the Biblical accounts that were of great interest
to me were of plural marriage. Plural marriages were much different at that
time than the brief period of time that it was lived in our own history because
biblical accounts show a societal caste system. There were handmaids who were
of lesser social standing and would bear children to their mistress who was a
full-covenant wife. This was a recipe for all sorts of human drama. Even among
these covenant women of the same social standing there was earthly inequality, jealousy,
pride and favoritism. These marriages were marriages formed in mortality and being
mortals they have human frailty. While their marriage was different the purpose
of all marriages was the same. Marriages are to work towards a celestial state
where there was no inequality, pride, favoritism or jealousy. I suppose my interest in their stories was my
first preparation for the marriage that one day I would be a part of. I am a
faithful Latter-day Saint married to a widower for all time and eternity. I
hold the non-coveted and even feared position of most married woman in the
Latter-day Saint community; I am a sealed 2nd wife. So why am I okay
with it? I would love to share with you my struggle with and faith in this
principle and share my experience of how I was able to make the choice to be in
the marriage I am in today and plan to be in forever.
As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day
Saints I hold firmly to the beliefs of our Church that marriage does not end in
death but lasts for eternity. I was 36 years old and I made this decision to
marry a widower with faith, understanding and complete trust in my
Father-in-Heaven’s plan for me. Since the Church ended the practice of Polygamy
over a century ago the only marriages that can have this element happen in the
afterlife. Our history is rich with examples of those who were asked to live
this way while in mortality. They are not all good examples of what marriage will
be like when we have reached the point where we are perfected and new creatures
in Christ forever changed by his atonement. They do give a very true look at
what the practice was like who were dealing with human weakness. From my
experience in Religious Education and Church service I would say most members
look upon their ancestors who lived this practice with reverential horror. The only reason why I don’t feel that way is because I have felt of
God’s love for me and I know he only seeks the best for me and that truth is
not independent upon any one principle of the gospel it is dependent on all true
gospel principles and doctrines. I have also prayerfully sought for an
understanding of eternal marriage. I have come to understand in those quiet and
reflective moments that for Cici and I our lives required something different
in order to perform the work that we needed to perform while on the Earth. We
as Latter-day Saints believe that we lived long before we came to Earth and
that we will live an eternity after. Because we do not remember our life before
and we cannot see what our life will be after this mortal testing time, we must
ultimately trust God and follow His spirit to accomplish what we need to
accomplish here.
After I served an LDS mission I felt more prepared for an
eternal marriage which I saw as the next logical step in life. The Lord had
other plans for my life and looking back I can see the wisdom and generosity in
which he gently helped me to gain greater blessings than I could have ever
anticipated. I led a rich single life filled with amazing people who have
changed me for the better. I worked as a trainer of missionaries for 2 ½ years
before becoming a full-time seminary teacher, which position I held for 10
years. While I was blessed in my employment there was always heartache when it came to relationships. Please allow
me to flash back to my 24th year while working as a missionary
trainer when my dreams of marriage were dashed for the first but not the last time. I
had hoped for a friendship to develop into something more and I could remember
praying to my Heavenly Father that perhaps this man was a good choice. I had been given the answer in prayer that the
man whom I had hoped to marry was a choice that God approved of, but alas it was
not meant to be. I approved of his choice in marriage, and inside I knew that God
would make this disappointment up to me.
I will save you all the gory details of the three more
hopeless romances that I recounted for my General Authority worthiness interview
to be hired as a full-time seminary teacher, but I will tell you this, one of
the young men that I hoped to marry actually hoped back for a time and even
asked me to marry him. That engagement
ended shortly after it was made and broke my heart. I prayed to heal and not to
become a part of the ever growing group of the bitterly disappointed. I sought
for direction from Heaven and read my scriptures diligently. Teaching the
scriptures everyday was also a blessing and sometimes answers my prayers would come as I
sought to help my class understand the gospel. Some of my friends were helpful
too and approached me with new perspectives that helped me see that perhaps I
could make a better match for me. One such friend was Cici, my husband’s first
wife. She thought this young man was a little young for me and didn’t seem very
excited when we were dating. This helped me to adjust my thinking when I
looked back on the experience and see that I was getting a lot of signals that
this wasn’t right, but I just wanted to be married so much it was clouding out
these more subtle helps. This last experience may spark your curiosity so I will
just tell you, I knew my husband and his first wife for six years before I would
become a part of that family. Looking back on this I see it as such a tender
mercy. I was able to know my friend Cici and come to care for her family before
I even knew I would be a part of it.
2. Choosing a Marriage with an Eternal Plural
Connection
At 36 I was starting to feel a little old and rejected when
it came to the whole marriage thing. I was dating a man in all worldly
measurement was the “perfect catch.” He was a tall, had all his own hair, as he
described himself, and he was rich. Most women must of thought I was crazy not
to marry this model, yep he really he was a model, and take trips to his little
cottage in Switzerland. Something just didn’t feel right as we dated. We got a long great and I could feel myself
falling for him. The closer I came to making the choice the more dark I felt
inside. In looking back on the experience I can see clearly now that all of my
disappointments and research I did with the doctrine of my faith was leading
me to the point where I would be unable to accept the marriage prospect I
currently had and be able to accept in faith the marriage that was approaching.
Believing these truths I was understanding more deeply was making me different. What I believed was also changing how I saw
life in general. I had become more
confident in my ability to feel and recognize when God was leading me. This in
turn gave me more confidence in just trusting that feeling. I felt good about letting
go of old attitudes that, while socially acceptable, were not in alignment with
where my life’s direction needed to go.
It was during this
time of great confusion I experienced while seeking to know if I should marry
this man that my friend Cici faithfully finished her battle with cancer and passed
away. Cici was and is a beloved woman. She touched so many hearts with her
quiet and strong devotion. When her sweet son told me of her passing I couldn’t
help crying. I admired and loved her. Her husband was also my friend and I felt
keenly for him in his agony. As I went home that night contemplating whether or
not to marry the man I was currently dating mixed with the tender emotions of
losing my friend I heard clearly in a voice that was unmistakably Cici’s, “You
can marry Guy.”
Now some of you don’t believe in angels. Let me testify to
you, angels exist. I prayed to know if this experience was from God directly
after it happened because I was a little disturbed by the message. I also knew
that emotion can cloud out inspiration from heaven. I knew that prayer was what I needed to do
because of countless prior experiences. Prayer always helped when I was
confused and needed God’s direction and help. I ask God if that experience I
had was from him. I was confident that he would tell me through the Holy Ghost
if it was. I was given a confirming witness from the spirit of God that it was.
It was so real yet seemed so strange. I have also found that strange to me is
quite normal for God. I recollected that it was not unlike when God sends
angels in scripture. They come to give a loving message of faith and repentance
and usually shocked and even frighten those they appear to. I think of the
Shepherds in the field at the time of Christ birth. They beheld an angel and
were very fearful yet the angel told them not to be afraid.
This experience happened a few days before her funeral,
which I attended. As I was there I wept for my friend and her grieving family. I prayed… “If there was anything I could do to
ease their suffering please let me know and I would do it”. I hugged my friend, her husband, and her
sweet son. During the services they played a recording of Cici’s son’s
testimony who was at that time faithfully serving a LDS mission. It was all I
could do to handle the emotion and feelings of the spirit that were so powerful
and I cried even harder. The bitter sweet experiences of celebrating a life of
faith and devotion was all I could handle, I couldn’t even attend the graveside
burial I was so overwhelmed with emotion. THERE WAS ONE THING I UNDERSTOOD
THROUGH THE SPIRIT, I left knowing that Guy was the kind of man I needed to
marry.
3. The Courage to Listen and Follow God’s Direction
With all I knew and had experienced, it seems silly now looking back on it I decided to keep dating the
man I had formed an attachment with. The heavenly experiences of promptings
through the spirit that were changing my understanding didn’t end and they were
helping my heart to change. I realized through dating the man to whom I hoped
to marry that he wasn’t ready for a temple marriage.
Compromising temple marriage or even putting it off until later was not
an option I could take. I had been told in my patriarchal blessing, which is
personal counsel given through a priesthood ordinance that I needed to choose a
man that loved the Lord and would take me to the temple. The line from my blessing had kept me
single more than once so it was not surprising that it would happen again. Now I
was much more humble and willing to submit whatever the Lord was bringing into
my life. There was something wonderful
in surrendering my will to the Lord. I felt like everything would be fine and
better than I could imagine. Little did I know that my now husband was also
having heavenly experiences that led him to call me. He asked if he could call
me again. It was important that he came when he did, even though doing so gave
him quite a bit to deal with in his family relationships, I am so proud of him for coming. Him coming at the time he did gave me
the ability to let go of the hope I had carried for the wrong man and get my
head on straight.
During the first week we spoke on the phone and began to get
the courage to divulge some of our heavenly experiences with angels and dreams
to one another. It was quite apparent to us that we were a part of a “Heavenly
Arranged Marriage.” This seems strange … since our culture where that is not
the norm… and it felt uncomfortable. It also may seem like we had no choice in
the matter, but we did. We had the choice to follow the Lord will or not. I was
ready to follow this course and it felt right. We both had a desire to be
faithful to whatever the Lord required of us because we knew he had the power
to do more with our lives than we could without his help. By the end of the
week of phone conversations we had unofficially decided to marry all before the first date! The speed at
which this occurred looked suspicious to anyone who didn't know our character and were not privy to the
spiritual experiences we had. Our engagement and subsequent marriage was a seed bed for suspicion and rumors.
Another thing that was different than I had not anticipated was the newness of our
affection. Our marriage didn't begin without any love or attraction. Our love was
a young and friendship based love, there were beginnings of attraction that
most people have in the beginning of a courtship.
Due to intense grieving and doubt there were times
that both of us were ready to back out of the engagement. My poor husband was
grieving deeply for his Cici and I was overwhelmed with the thought of much
more than I anticipated in the thought of getting married. Not to mention I was diagnosed with a chronic illness that interrupted my career prematurely. "When it rains it pours" is I believe the statement best describing my environment, but every time I prayed
there was peace. Miraculously we were even supported by close and tender family
and friends. I remember one friend Robin upon hearing the news was immediately supportive. She felt the spirit of it instantly and even added, and there is a child waiting. (This is a common way of saying in our faith that you have children who are waiting to come to earth, not that I was pregnant.) She not only confirmed our experience we had shared with her she also confirmed one we hadn't shared yet. This was very comforting to us. As for the family, my side of the family was much more eager for the match to
take place, I believe that was partly because for two years or more my family fasted
for me every month. They fasted for the blessings that I needed to come into my
life to come and when they did they had already gained the spiritual insights
they needed to accept the match. My husband’s family on the other hand had very
little time to adjust and their worries and concerns were well founded. But
heaven again came through in answer to my prayers and our families supported us
and attended our sealing in the Temple.
4. Bringing the family together…Our First Year
I thought the hardest things were over. I was now married! Anyone who is married knows I was only at the beginning of the trials. There
was no happily ever after when we married. There were fears and doubts and
misunderstandings that needed to be worked out. All of our challenges were
compounded by the speed of our courtship and insecurity we both felt in our new
marriage. They were also complicated with many other stresses of moving our home, huge medical expenses, building up the my husband's acupuncture clinic, strained family relationships, I had to go on disability and quit teaching, my grandfather passed away and more but I am going to stop now. We
were busy preparing for Christmas and a missionary coming home to our new family
which occupied our time. Why we were able to pull through these difficulties
was because we didn’t make this decision lightly nor did we esteem our
covenants we made before God to be a light matter. There was also sweet and
gentle help that came from God in the form of his servants both angels on
earth, or mortal angels, and angels from heaven. Often times we could feel Cici
there and we knew she was sent from a loving Heavenly Father who heard our
pleas for help. The comfort and following the counsel we received got us through all the hard
times. I was constantly encouraged and given a heavenly light to guide what I
was to do.
The first year was the hardest. We moved into the family
home with the boys, who were actually grown men. It was both bitter and sweet.
Every hall and room had a memory of Cici and my presence was a painful reminder
of their loss. I had learned a valuable lesson years earlier from my dear
friend Nancy. Nancy had lost both her parents in her youth. She said when he
step-father remarried his new wife, her step-mom, took down the pictures of her
mother. This made my friend feel like
her mother died all over again. I was so moved by her experience I had decided
when I heard that experience I could never do that to anyone. I committed that
if I ever had the chance I would respect the children’s grief and the loved one
who had passed on. Shocking to me this opportunity arose. There was no decision that needed to be made.
I knew just what to do.
I decided that wherever possible I would leave the house
like Cici had left it. We even set up a glass display cabinet that became what
we called a “memory box” that contained some of her cherished belongings,
family photos, awards and such. This insured that there would always be a place
in our home where Cici was honored and remembered. We gathered her belongings
and preserved those we would want to give to her grandchildren and thought of
ways we could teach them about her life. We have a beautiful little trunk all
prepared. This will also be important for all the additions to the family to
get to know her as well. This memorializing did present some difficulties for
my family of origin, since this was done before my picture was up, I just tried
to help them understand that my husband and sons needed time to grieve and I
was seeking to help them grieve and bring our fractured family together.
I think another thing that was really hard for my grieving
family was every holiday was such a keen reminder to the family they once had
which was never going to be the same again. Everyone carried their grief in
losing Cici differently and I tried to be understanding and not take things
personally, although sometimes in my heart I felt overlooked and misunderstood.
One such experience was not in our first year, but rather the 2nd
Mother’s day, my first real Mother’s day. I had waited 37 years to have a child
so to me this was a big deal. There was
still so much grief for the mother that was lost on that day for my family I
felt forgotten. What
should have been one of the happiest days was one of the saddest. I did my best
to forget myself and go to work. It was nice to be remembered that day by my
family of origin. They really helped so much by being excited and happy for me.
We continued to work to help our little family come
together. Another choice my husband and I made through counseling with each other
was to carry on the traditions and favorite family dishes. I just did everything I could to make matters
better, but it didn’t always work. I learned that I couldn’t always make things
better but I could love them during the pain. I am so thankful now that I
followed the Spirit’s direction. I know that is because of my Savior’s
sacrifice for us that we overcame all the difficulty we were experiencing, we
only needed to be willing to exercise our faith in patience and prayer.
5. Universal Truths We are Learning from Living
in an Eternal Marriage with a Plural Connection
Now we look at all that we have experienced together and the
trials that have strengthened our faith. There is a deepening sweetness in our
relationship and we are now stepping out of the darkness and grief we were
encompassed by in the beginning of our marriage. The spirit and love in our home has brought
healing to our hearts. We have also had two sweet additions to our family, our
baby boy born 5 days before our 1st wedding anniversary and a lovely daughter-in-law who came the next year. Our understanding has grown and with
that the pain of the former days are fading. The lessons that we have learned
have left us forever changed. I am beginning to see even more today why my
husband was the best and only man for me. Now there is a deeper love where
there was once insecurity. I know that all the darkness this world has to offer
is only temporary trial. I know that the
spirit of the Lord leads us to greater happiness, but the path of greater
happiness is not the path with the easiest life. I have come to know my
Heavenly Father and Savior in a way that I could have ever known them through
these challenges and I have come to trust more fervently in the Spirit’s
promptings. The family that felt uncomfortable and awkward when we gathered
together now feels loving and happy. The mourning for Cici hasn’t ended but
there is now a greater atmosphere of love and trust to handle it. God lives.
There is nothing to hard for the Lord. He can and always will be there for us.
These things I know;
1.
Trials provide what is needed to strengthen our
faith in Christ.
2.
Love
deepens and grows with time and faithful effort.
3.
Grief will heal and open us to greater joy.
4.
God has given us families to help us come to
understand him and what we can become.
5.
Perfect love casts out fear.
6.
Our mortal experience is temporary. One day we
will rest from affliction,.
7.
The Spirit of the Lord will always lead us as we
choose to follow God in righteousness.
8.
Greater happiness does not mean having an easy
life.
9.
Loving and teaching correct principles to our
families provides a perfect environment to become our best selves.
10.
Because of the tender watch care of the Lord we
can mourn and be happy at the same time.
May the Lord bless and watch over you. Thanks
for letting me share my story.
