Shedding The Painful Pattern of People-Pleasing

Sorry for the tongue twister, but it just sums up so perfectly what I want to say -- I couldn’t resist. So are you a people pleaser or a confident disciple of Christ? Here is a little test I just made up. This of course is just as good as any quiz you take on the internet (which doesn’t say too much) that tells  what actress you are most like. I believe with careful personal reflection, and a prayerful heart, these questions have the potential to be much more valuable.

1. Are you seeking to control agency rather than teaching children how to use their agency? (There is a huge connection with control, perfectionism and people pleasing!)
2. Do you assume your leaders are inspired and follow their direction without testing it with the scriptures, words of living prophets and through personal prayer and revelation?
3. Do you put more confidence and trust in men than in the standards of God?
4. Do you consistently worry about what others think and change your conduct accordingly?
5. Do worldly degrees of knowledge men more to you than heavenly degrees of glory?

If you or your friends can answer yes to any one of these questions perhaps you will find this article beneficial. This article is based on my own limited experiences, but perhaps there may be something in my journey that will be helpful to someone out there and that is all I desire to be. I know personally how difficult it is to live in a world that is paralyzed with people-pleasing issues and while I share more the realizations and gratitude at getting out of that mindset than defining what people pleasing is. I hope you can feel of its honesty and candor. I know that the spirit of the Lord can and will direct you in your own personal, family, and professional circumstances.

Walking out on People-Pleasing in my Personal Life

For a long time I worried way too much about what others thought. I found myself being held captive by this behavior. Have you ever heard of being your own worst enemy? Well I totally admit it I was mine. I listened to the so-called experts, for how to live, what to look-like and how to breath. I also tried to do it perfectly. Some of my blind following had harmless results because I was choosing some pretty wonderful people to follow. Unfortunately, the pattern of not trusting my own ability to seek for the guidance of God was crippling my personal development. I was literally making my life so hard. It was when I was serving a full-time LDS mission that I became painfully aware that I needed to stop worrying about pleasing others and become who the Lord wanted me to be. I was grateful for the time away from home and everything familiar because it made the change seem possible and hopeful for me. For the first time in my life I felt like I could be the person the Lord wanted me to be and not feel like I was disappointing someone. I don’t quite know why this people- pleasing issue began, I am sure it is not what my parents or family wanted for me. When I came home from my mission I was faced with several mini crises in my life that helped me to see that pleasing people was killing me. My actions began to take its toll on my health because I chose to be stressed and worried about what people thought rather than just following through with what I knew was right. Anxiety was the normal way I approached the day.

Perhaps I can share an example would be helpful. The height of my personal crises with people-pleasing occurred when I was attending a Brigham Young University ward after my graduation from that University and before and during my Master’s program at the same university. BYU has to this day one of the strictest codes for moral conduct among the United States' Universities. This was not just for BYU students but those who attend the BYU wards and live in BYU approved housing were asked to adopt these codes as well. One of the many rules that involved proper conduct with members of the opposite sex and where they could go in a visit to our apartments. There were many a jokes about the “chastity line” of the apartment (where the main living room and kitchen ended and the hall to the bedrooms began). While there may have been a lot of jokes and humor, it was no laughing matter. There was nothing good that would happen when students began to cross that line, first a little and then a lot. Unfortunately I would see this truth frequently among the 8 different homes and appartments I lived in while in Provo.

I had won the occasional battle with roommates who had decided to test the limits ... I was not ever happy about the encounter. I was always a little upset with my roommates for putting me in the middle of things. I am sure that I was angry in part because it is not easy to correct people and confront a peer. The main reason was because I knew they would not be happy with me if I did. AKA PEOPLE-PLEASING!!! I loved my friends and roommates, the university and I respected the rules that encouraged good moral conduct and respecting of others. I also knew what those rules were, and I found in most of my confrontations they were not thinking about them. I wanted to respect the university and show my gratitude for the privilege I felt it was to be there. In addition my own personal responsibility to keep the standards I agreed on when entering the institution and it’s housing standards which made us all somewhat responsible for those around us. In fact if anyone were found to know that violations of the honor code were happening and you said nothing you too could be dismissed from the University, it’s housing. That also meant the associations you had in your ward. Well if that was not motivating enough I was also in a church leadership position that put me in charge assisting the bishop with of the spiritual welfare of the women members in my ward. I believe it was this leadership position above all other reasons I was given so many opportunities to help the young women.

I wish I could say that I always was brave, loving and patient. I had my own struggles with not feeling confident in following the Spirit of the Lord’s direction when it came to correcting and confronting others. One experience that gave me greater courage to stand up for those who were not standing up for themselves happened late one evening. I have always been a light sleeper and I not only would wake up if I heard noises, but I often woke up if someone was emotionally having a difficult time. While my compassion ran deep, my courage waned that night. I heard a young man in the bedroom above my own. I instantly knew that he shouldn’t be there and I chose to ignore what was happening. I knew I should march up to that apartment door and confront the situation, but I didn’t want to. I prayed for that situation, but I was unwilling to show my faith and actually do something physical to help. A restless night ensued and hours felt like days. I am not sure how much time passed, but it was obvious that the conversation had ended and now there was inappropriate behavior. I could only imagine to what extent the situation was going to and quite frankly I tried really hard to ignore it. I must have drifted off to exhaustive sleep because the next thing I remembered was waking to the sound of sobbing coming from the young woman upstairs. It was those gut wrenching sobs of remorse and deep sorrow.

I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was partly to blame for that sorrow and gut wrenching sobbing. I shared my regret to the women of the ward at not answering the Spirit’s promptings to go and get that young man out of the apartment. Hoping someone would listen and avoid such an awful experience. I had to live with the regret. I had chosen not to act on the Spirit and therefore and by not acting I had participated in this heart wrenching experience. I wished, if nothing else, I could have at least let him know I could hear everything that was going on. I determined that I would do better the next time. I was determined not to let some poor young woman suffer because she had experienced a moment of weakness and had no friends to support her in doing what was right. Believe me I had my opportunities to do so. I wondered if I had just become aware of a tragedy that was occurring everywhere or if I had naively decided to live on the bad side of the campus. It was a messy business confronting these situations while simultaneously putting my need to please others on the back burner. I often wondered why these young people just didn't attend a University that better suited their desires...could they have been trying to please-people too? What a mess. 

Through diligence and more experiences than I would like to recount I learned that taking these sensitive matters to those who had been trusted with helping in those specific ways was the most important thing I could do. Proper investigations were conducted and at time students were dismissed from the university and campus housing. This was a heavy price to pay for youthful mistakes, but what happens to the young man or woman that are never held responsible for their actions? What does this say about those that say that they love them and then stand by why they destroy themselves and others with poor choices? I knew that God was training me to be a better leader, friend, and teacher and I was hoping at the time that he would trust me to be a parent someday too.

I still felt great sadness that the decisions of others even though I had a peace about my actions.  I was following the commandments of God and working to following the counsel of my leaders. For those of you that do not understand the leadership of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints let me explain. We have local leaders that preside over Wards and Stakes. For the most l part membership is presided over by Ward leaders and Stake leaders while the General Authorities provide training for these leaders. Our church leaders are not paid professionals and they are expected to seek the Lord’s counsel and direction including the following of procedures found in the Church Handbook of Instruction when counseling with members.

The assumptions that I made were very unwise concerning my leaders. I believed they had a perfect understanding of the procedures of the Church and the will and commandments of the Lord. I believe these assumptions were fueled with the fact that I desperately wanted to please those who were in leadership over me. It was easier to continue the path of people-pleasing if I did believe that erroneous thought. At the time I didn’t recognize that I was in need of healing from a wound I didn’t even know existed, but thankfully those things came to the surface as I tried to follow the Spirit of the Lord and leave people-pleasing habits behind. I understand now looking back that it was quite unfair for me to place leaders in a level of perfection, but that is precisely what I did. It was a less than helpful approach. I was constantly challenged by that belief. I was growing in my own knowledge and confidence naturally accompanied this growth. I learned more about the doctrines of the gospel and Church procedures, which made it both easier and harder to be patient with imperfection in my leaders.

My life experience feels like it has been quite different that the main body of the Church. This is largely due to the fact that I was a Professional Religious Educator I could and usually spent 40-50 hours a week of full-time immersion in the Gospel. While my full-time employment has ended I still spend time working in the Continuing Education at BYU for Education Week and Especially for Youth Programs. It was also because Religious Education is a job that is usually filled by men. I loved my profession and the ability it gave me to learn all I wanted about the Church and it’s doctrines. I was mindful of the need for balance and sought for opportunities to become well rounded in my interests. Of course when I started my Master’s Program, Religious Education, balance seemed to be virtually impossible. The amount of time I spent immersed in the gospel increased until there were only about 1-2 waking hours of the day that I was in pursuits other than religion. In sharing this I do not want to claim any kind of superiority or authority, I just share this to show that my 3-year effort was unique and it changed me.

I often used my 1-2 hours a day not spent in a religious way in food preparation, exercise and daily chores, including just getting ready for the day. It didn’t take long for even those hours to be filled with the analysis of what I was learning and how it applied to every day life. I even dreamed about what I did. I am sure I caused no small amount of fear and trepidation for my Father who hoped that I would find a good man to marry and could start a, “a real life.” For a time I felt that was where I needed to be and I am grateful for those years of refinement to my thinking and coming to understand what really mattered. I definitely was not well liked by some of my students, a majority of the single women in my ward, and had conflict with my faculty. This is SUPER HARD on a PEOPLE-PLEASER!

The conflict in my ward occurred main because of the lack of available and worthy men to marry. Competition among women is not pretty and even though I had no interest in most of the men they had interest I guess I was enough of a distraction that I didn’t have many women who were willing to be kind and friendly to me. All of this seemed so strange to me because I never wanted to harm another living soul. I tired to be kind and be a friend to all I knew, which made these situations even more burdensome. This constant conflict helped me change to develop an inner confidence. I sought for what the Lord thought of me and that made a huge difference to what I chose to believe about what others thought of me. For me it was the only way to survive. I had to recognize that I couldn’t please everyone and that I needed to be okay to please no one but my Heavenly Father.

One the most challenging of conflicts at that particular time was a conflict I chose freely. I had chosen to write a thesis that was slightly controversial because I wanted to write something that would be valuable and helpful. I chose to write a historical and doctrinal analysis of the young women’s curriculum in the Church. This thesis put me at odds with others that thought I was out of line for writing on a subject that was not in my area of responsibility. I had plenty of opportunities to stop trying to please others with this project and so I pushed forward following the promptings of the Holy Ghost and trying really hard to ignore everything else. It seemed like the direction I was prompted to go was directly through the path of haters, old-thinking and unhappy people. This of course is a people pleasers worst nightmare. I started to see that there would be no pleasing some, and none of those I mentioned previously, as I sought to follow where my heart was leading.

The wonderful thing I learned through this process is that the so called “experts” were really just people who also made mistakes and that if I listened carefully to them I would see glimpses of God and His will for me and my chosen direction. I found that I had been giving my agency over to everyone that I thought was more worthy of choosing than educating myself to make the best choices I could. The more I learned the more I found myself breaking through the barriers of self-doubt and moving to the world of confidently reliance on the Lord. I started to see that I was the one that was in control of what I did and I no longer needed to live in fear of what others would think and feel about what I was doing. I am not sorry that I did consider others in my choices, I would be quite the selfish person had I never thought of them, but I needed to make the choices that others were not going to take well for a while.

Shedding People-Pleasing Habits in a Professional Setting

While I was busily working on my education I was also teaching Seminary every day. Part of my job was to inform parents of how their children were progressing and contacting Bishops for concerns and for permission for students to serve in class presidencies. I remember an experience that to this day I am so grateful that I chose to listen to the feelings of my heart planted by God rather than the crowd. I remember watching a student that was charismatic and had a personality that seemed to hold a hypnotic force on ALL those he wanted to speak to…not even the teachers were immune and he was often excused him being late to class because “he was talking to a teacher.” For three years I watched this student and knew in my heart that I would be his teacher.  It was like God wanted me to watch him and get to know this young man now, because all I observed would be important in helping him to find his true identity and purpose.  We as member of the Church of Jesus Christ believe that all people are children of God and as such have responsibilities to help and serve others while they are here on earth. Our talents and abilities are to be used to better the world and assist those who are in our realm of influence.  It was with this understanding that I watched with interest for the time that he would be in my classroom. The timing of the Lord is perfect and he was put in my classroom his senior year and final semester.

I was known for being a teacher that required respect and adherence to school policies and procedures, unlike my colleagues, I didn’t excuse this young man for being late. I remember perfectly a conversation we had when he strolled into class long after the time for class was to start. I told him that he would be marked absent because he was more than 20 minutes late. He then said that he was speaking to a teacher. I then said, “kindly remind that teacher that they made you absent the next time they decide to detain you.” He then used his all too familiar charm and said that he was still in class and it didn’t seem fair to mark him absent. I then responded, “It is much better than being truant.” He then turned the charm and charisma up and said, “I think I may have to go home and cry.” I then responded with, “Good because godly sorrow is necessary for true repentance.” He then knew that I was not going to submit to his whims but would hold him to the standards I held all of my students. He raised his hand to give me a high five and said, “Give it here that was good.”

That was not the end of it though. He was not interested in breaking his cool streak and at his earliest convenience he sought to get out of my class by getting the Principal to make a class change. This young man told the Principal that I just “didn’t understand him.” My Principal counseled me to speak with him or that I would lose him. With a prayer in my heart I decided to divulge the prompting I had concerning him years previously. I told him that I had watched him for 3 years and that I knew that I was going to be his teacher. I told him that I had understood through the spirit of the Lord that God wanted me to be his teacher.  I explained that I had things to teach him that he needed. I told him I saw greatness in him and he agreed to stay in my class. I continued to be hard on him. I wanted to let up, but I didn’t feel like I could. I fervently prayed on what I could do to help him, and not be so hard on him. The impression came, “Call him to be your class president.” I was currently considering who would need to be the class president in each of my classrooms. I began seeking the information I needed to commence that process.

I needed the name of his bishop to get a worthiness clearance. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on how you choose to look at it, our records were outdated so I called the former Bishop’s home by mistake. The former Bishop just so happened to be this young man’s Father. While I didn’t reach his father I was able to speak to his mother and explained I was calling the Bishop about her son. She immediate exclaimed, “Oh no! What has he done?” I kindly responded that he hadn’t done anything bad and that I desired to call him to be the class president. She was thrilled. I explained that he was the one that the Lord wanted and so I needed the name of his Bishop. She kindly gave me the information. The Bishop of this young man was elated. He was so grateful that he would have this opportunity to gain leadership. He explained that he was in the position to serve in that capacity and so I was getting ready to let him know. That turned out to be unnecessary since neither his mother nor the Bishop could contain their excitement. He came to school that next Monday knowing of the position. He seemed pleased and honored.

When I told my faculty what I had done I was literally laughed to scorn. There were also those that chose just to be shocked with my choice, but I told them that the spirit directed the call. His former teachers were the most skeptics as to the change. I got to see the looks on their shocked faces as he rushed by them, instead of talking, explaining that he couldn’t be late to class because he was the President. He conducted the class with love and looked at others in the class that needed a helping hand and consulted with me on how he could better serve them. He was a wonderful president. When his parents came for parent teacher conference we were both happy to meet with each other. As customary we spoke of things that were good and areas that could be improved.

While he was doing terrific in my class I explained to them that I never called someone to be the president that had not completed their class requirements from other semesters. This young man had dropped out of seminary his freshman year. His mother explained that she promised she would never speak to him about finishing that semester if he promised to return to seminary. I respected their parental decision and confidently explained that I hadn’t made that promise and that I would speak to him about the need to finish and get his 4-year diploma. This 4-year diploma is critical for young men that are called to some foreign countries on their missions. The diploma allows them a preacher’s license and makes their missionary work in those particular nations possible. I wanted him to be unencumbered when he accepted the call to serve a mission, since this was his desire and I felt driven to help him.

That also turned out to be unnecessary. Before I was able to speak with him he came to my office inquiring on how he could make up His entire Freshman year. It was a MIRACLE and the miracles didn't sease. I could see that the Spirit was truly leading this young man’s change and making up an entire year of seminary in one semester would not be for the faint of heart.  At that time our seminaries policy was a time for time make up, in other words if he had missed an hour of seminary he would have to make up an hour. Through no small effort on his part he attended every make-up class and did everything we told him in order to make up his work. The Principal was the one that had the opportunity to preside over his graduation ceremony held in his home Stake. He said that watched this young man giggle through the opening of the meeting and as his name was listed with those who would receive a 4-year diploma. He was so happy and so was I. I was impressed with the miracles the Lord worked in this young man’s life and my colleagues were humbled.

I asked him to write what seminary had done for him and he wrote of a beautiful conversion that happened in those 3 years he attended. What impressed me most was that he said it was in seminary he decided that he liked being known for good rather than anything bad. I didn’t get a chance to attend his mission farewell but I was able to attend his report when he returned home from his 2-year mission. He served a faithful mission to the Philippines and I was so happy to see him again. I know that he was prepared by the Lord for greater things than he could have imagined, he is currently seeking his college education and he married a beautiful young woman in an LDS temple which holds to strict standards of moral conduct an recommends such for admittance. To this day that experience is one of my happiest memories. I truly saw the Lord work a miracle. I am grateful that at the time that I had the courage to follow the Lord’s promptings and take a chance on someone instead of seeking to please my colleagues

It was amazing to me how getting over the need to please others took me directly through the mockers, and haters … it was also the road that helped to win some of them over. Some of my greatest skeptics started to be some of my greatest cheerleaders and I knew that those experiences were tender mercies from the Lord to show me that he would support me and soften the hearts of those around me in accomplishing His will. I saw more clearly that the only one that I needed to work on pleasing was my Father in Heaven and that he would inspire great friends to come to my aid. My eyes were opened to a world of men and women who also felt that God was the only one that needed to be pleased. This was a much healthier and happy group of people. I am confident that my eyes would not have been opened to this world in any other way that to decide once and for all to follow God at all hazards. I am so grateful that I had the scriptures to guide me everyday.

Shedding the Practice of People-Pleasing in Family Relationships

When I became engaged to my husband I started to enter a whole new test of whether or not I would still place the Lord and His standards before pleasing all others. It was an easy thing to follow the Lord in a professional setting when I compare it to following the Lord in the family. I suppose it depends on the family that you are a part of whether you find living the gospel hard or easy. For the most part I was supported in my desires to serve the Lord, but I was a little different because of my years in complete submersion of the Lord’s doctrine and practices. I had a long time to develop my religious side and the teaching of those gospel principles daily were reinforcing the decisions I made. I had years of spiritual experiences putting those truths to the test. This definitely made my life different from those who had different life experiences with the gospel.

I will just say that my family has always considered me to be a bit different. They all like church and are active, but I love it! It wasn’t much different for me when I married my husband. He was much more like my family or origin than he was like me.  For example it is a well-known teaching that we as Latter-day Saints are counseled against attending R rated movies. In fact, in recent years the counsel has been more refined to meet the needs of a world-wide church, which takes into account different rating systems for movies. The new way of teaching the principle of proper choices in entertainment is that we are to make choices based on whether or not our media would be offensive to the Spirit of the Lord. This of course would limit even some television shows and movies of a lessor rating. I grew up in a home that chose to debate that standard so I was prepared for the “but it is only for violence” excuse for why the movie was rated “R”. In fact when my husband repeated that excuse with my added commentary saying that was both lame an invalid, to the Elders quorum there was an audible gasp. So needless to say we as a church have work to do in living that principle as a people.

As a Religious Educator I felt it my responsibility to live what I taught so I changed all that I needed to about my life to conform to the standards of the church and found that the increase in being able to feel and recognize the spirit of the Lord was worth the price. It was a lot easier when I didn’t need to include anyone else in the decision making process. It is funny how much our upbringing can shade the truths of the gospel, but with the advancing technology and increased communication with the general leadership of the Church we are less likely to develop such bad habits due to a lack of clarity in our instruction.

I can remember one experience I had before I married that taught me something very valuable about pleasing God or pleasing-people. I remember having a lengthy discussion with my boss at work. He was trying to get me to go to some entertainment that I didn't feel helped me to feel the Spirit of the Lord. It wasn't a bad activity...it was based in classic literature. I knew the score well...well enough that I was uncomfortable with some of the content. It seemed like a hopeless debate because I felt like he could still go to that and I wouldn't think less of him. I just personally felt uncomfortable and chose to honor those feelings. The conversation finally came to a conclusion when, with a prayer in my heart, I had a thought occur to me on how to explain this better to my boss.  I asked him if he received comfort from his family. He responded, "yes". I then said I have no one but the Holy Ghost to give me comfort and if I do anything to put that in jeopardy I am left with nothing. He had nothing to say to that comment and I had been taught something as well. Don't get so caught up with your family that you forget that we are to teach them to honor God above all else. 

I am grateful that I had begun to leave the faulty path of people pleasing behind before I got married and had considerable time to make it part of my character before marrying, because to tell you the truth sometimes it would be a lot easier to fall back into trying to make everybody happy when it came to getting along with your spouse. It was quite different to marry someone who had already been married before for 25 years. There were a lot of things I needed to learn, but the important things were already there, for example trust and loyalty. Still family life is probably the hardest area not to fall back into a people-pleasing mode. Lucky for me I had some hope that even though we may not agree on when to read scriptures together, family prayer, family home evening, or how we lived the Sabbath day those things could change with time and effort. I was confident because my family of origin and I had a good relationship with each other. When they realized, and I better communicated, that I didn’t expect them to live the way I lived things got a lot better. It is a little different when you are raising children though. The more divided you are in these areas the harder it is on the children to learn how to navigate through this spiritually turbulent world.

My husband knew at the beginning of the marriage that I would always choose God over him, which at first seemed a little harsh. So no one misunderstands that choosing God before a spouse does not mean a lessening of love and respect for the spouse it is just the opposite. To love and put God first in your life is to be committed to leading a selfless and faith based life. I actually like to make him all his meals, keep up the house, and try to make him comfortable after a long day of work. I like to show him how much I care about him. Putting God first actually means loving your spouse more and with a more perfect love. I don’t think he has minded my approach one bit. Honestly there have been some discussions that were uncomfortable for me to participate in because I had to say things that I knew were not what my husband wanted to hear. In fact, there were uncomfortable months where I chose to live my way and he chose his way, but eventually time and the Lord helped us see each other and His will more clearly.  I certainly needed to communicate complete love and concern for my husband in a way that my statements were not threatening as to the love and devotion I had for him.

Now that we have been married a little over three years we are starting to figure out what kind of relationship and home we want to have. In fact, I am happy to report that we have worked together on ways that we can help our children with their faith. The solutions were even better than what I had hoped for or could have designed on my own.  I am so grateful I married a man who was willing to change and grow with me, and a man that is true to the revelations that he receives.  The creative challenge of growing together in a relationship where you are commanded to be one, but still being true to your eternal identity and purpose is a lot easier to achieve when you put the people pleasing behind. Being emotionally honest has probably been one of the most challenging and rewarding parts of our relationship. It is not always easy to admit that something hurt our feelings. It is not easy to hear that we have hurt our spouse’s feelings, but there is such a wonderful thing that happens when we learn to respond better to one another.

So while I have to say that shedding the practice of people pleasing has been a journey filled with the awkward and uncomfortable moments, the benefit of having a better relationship with God and my family and myself has made the effort worth it. Sometimes I will admit I would like to not have to grow so much and just take a break. I also am aware that becoming a wife, stepmother, mother and mother-in-law within 1 year could be why I feel a little overwhelmed and things will eventually calm down, or at least I will be more used to the crazy pace that family life brings with it. I am thankful that I have the opportunity to develop healthier relationships with others and let myself show the real me. The best part about pleasing God and not worrying about pleasing others is life gets a whole lot less complicated and much more happy.