Now some of you may read the title and wonder what in the world I mean, well let me enlighten you on the subject. For a long time I felt that the more rules that I kept as a member of the Church the better person I was. For some strange reason I thought that following Christ meant that I needed to be perfect in my discipleship and that meant knowing and keeping all the rules. Now this way of living didn’t really present many problems in my growing up years. In fact I disciplined myself to obey the principles of the gospel and I enjoyed doing it. The problems that came from this began to immerge in my teenageyears. I was often bothered by the way my classmates treated people and I felt that my angry feelings towards them were justified in “the law.” I began to develop a very un-Christian-like approach to how I interacted with these jerks and I was bound and determined to humble those “haughty” individuals. Sometimes my efforts worked…which only fueled my ill-willed passion to right the wrongs of the world. My vigilant approach to correction was not always patiently endured and I began to question what I was doing. A friend brought to my attention that my actions were not in accordance to the spirit of the Lord and she preferred to follow that.
The stern, loving, yet simple rebuke made me evaluate what I was doing. I began to recognize that I was in fact following after my own will and had grown far from what the Lord desired for me. In fact I even had a dream to help me understand this message given by and angelic friend. In the dream I saw my friend rushing to the airport. We were late for the plane and our priesthood leader at the time was beckoning us to hurry along. I was stuck though. I was carrying a tremendous load which made it difficult to walk. Seeing that I was determined to carry the load they boarded the plane and I was left to myself. Although looking back on the dream from the vantage point I come from now the dreams interpretation is completely clear. At the time I had the dream I didn’t know what it meant. I couldn’t see that my rule oriented life was a completely unnecessary burden that only slowed me down. It would take months more of trial before the weight of the rules that I didn’t just follow now but had began to create for every situation that I came across would become more than I could bare. That’s right I wasn’t just living the gospel rules that I knew I was making some rules up when gospel rules seemed vague.
I realized that I was being a total perfectionist when one acquaintance called me that. I laughed and thought that perfectionism had more to do with being neat and tidy then it had to do with a way of living….They clarified for me that I was a religious perfectionist aka MILITANT MORMON. I felt like that was true, but I didn’t see anything wrong with it. I will be completely honest when I tell you that the way I was taught about the Savior and the way I interpreted those teachings I felt that I was doing what He wanted me to do. I had learned that Christ was our Example to follow and that was what I was doing. You see I didn’t get the role of Redeemer and Savior, partly due to the fact that it was not emphasized enough and because I didn’t understand how important that was personally. I have reflected on when I started to go wrong in my understanding of the Savior and I remember when it happened,it was in junior primary, which is an organization for children ages 3-7 years old. I remember being taught that our sins caused Jesus great pain. I remember that point vividly and with fear. Repentance may have been explained, but it was explained in a way that it should be completely avoided rather than a constant process of discipleship. I determined then and there that I would never “Hurt” Jesus. I would live the way I should and if I make a mistake I will pay for it myself, because I wouldn’t want to “Hurt “Jesus. Oh that poor teacher. She had no idea the seeds of mistrust she was sowing with the way she taught of the atonement, and my young and very tender heart began to grow that mistrust within myself until a crisis occurred in my life that would have to totally change me forever.
Months passed from the time that I was called a religious perfectionist and I recognized that I was feeling dark and very unhappy. NO MATTER HOW MUCH GOOD I DID I could not shake the feelings of sadness. I remember feeling this way long enough that death started to look much better than life. I knew I was in trouble so I knelt down and offered a fervent and sincere prayer. I prayed to God and asked for His help. I explained how I felt and how it had driven me to not even want to live. I promised and covenanted with the Lord that I would follow Him and do whatever he asked if he would help me. No sooner than I finished the prayer the phone rang, while I didn’t answer the phone I was told that I was late for a dinner with a leader in our ward. I hadn’t remembered that dinner appointment at all and so we rushed to the home. It was there that I felt impressed to get a priesthood blessing. I didn’t have a Priesthood leader in my home at the time, since I no longer lived with my parents. This kind priesthood leader, while a little shocked, humbly obliged. While having the blessing I felt the Spirit of the Lord so strong. I was promised that I would always have the spirit with me and I was to fill my soul with it.
My militant Mormon life ended that day. I started to become a different person. With each new truth I discovered and allowed into my life I recognized that my rule driven life was not enough…I needed Christ to be whole and there was no substitution for it. It was not a speedy transformation…years passed and my knowledge of the gospel and trust in the Spirit of the Lord grew. I started to relax a little and I became gentlerwith myself and others. I still occasionally lost it when the inconsiderate people I was around finally stepped beyond my ability to cope but I was becoming different. I was changing into a true child of Christ. When I entered into the waters of baptism I chose to be a child of Christ by covenant, but now I was beginning to understand what that truly meant.
The years of perfectionism had taken their toll and the layers of healing that needed to occur still go on today even 18 years later. For three years I began an intense gospel study on the atonement of Jesus Christ. This was partly due to the example of leadership, but my obedience to their direction was whole heart immersion. I began to see repentance for how it was intended…an offering of a broken heart and a contrite spirit something that should happen daily and with gratitude. I saw repentance as an opportunity to see more like God and to shed this mortal realm mentality. While I was becoming more comfortable in the arms of God and His Son I was still very intimidated by the relationships that I had with others. Through the gospel and the people I became acquainted with I began to see that those that truly loved the Lord were gentle and kind. It was okay to make a mistake with them, because they responded with love and encouragement where often I had met other militant Mormons like I had once been who were rarely kind and gentle. When I chose to stop worry so much about what people thought I recognized that it went hand in hand in discovering more of my identity and purpose in this world. I was feeling more confident in the person that I was becoming. There was SO MUCH LESS STRESS in my new perspective as an LDS Child of Christ than in my militant Mormon past that I have no desire to ever return.
I don’t want to give the impression that following Christ means not living all the commandments and seeking so to do…but it is a calm reassurance that my efforts are enough and the Christ will give me greater power for obedience every time I seek His help. It is so much easier to be “yoked to Christ” than to try to pull the burdens of life without Him. My new perspective really helped me to see others in a much more merciful light. I see them I hope in a way that pleases God, because God’s OPINION IS THE ONLY OPINION IS THAT MATTERS!
So what does this mean now? Well I have felt impressed to share some ways in which I have been tutored in the path of becoming a LDS Child of Christ and leaving the perfectionist world I was living in behind. I have always found a lot of help in analogies and object lessons, in Christ’s day they were called parables. I remember being young and loving to watch the Miss USA or the Miss Universe pageants and see the beauty of the women competing. I was always hoping for my favorite contestant to make it to the top ten and it was even better if they could make it to the top five. The other day I realized an interesting parallel between these pageants and the 10 virgins. They are alike yet different. All are women seeking to obtain a most important goal. Each has taken effort to prepare her. Of course it isn’t a perfect analogy because in the parable of the ten virgins the top ten if you will are a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Men and Women. This particular parable is a lesson for us as Saints and unfortunately 50% of the Church won’t be ready when Christ comes. (See Elder Oaks Talk entitled Preparation for the Second Coming, General Conference Address April 2004In the parable of the 10 virgins 5 were wise and 5 were foolish unlike the beauty pageant the is room for every true follower of Christ in the awards ceremony. Those that were wise took the Holy Spirit to be their guide. Those that were foolish ran out of that precious commodity of spiritual preparedness which allowed them to join in the marriage procession. Well the nice thing about the parable is that you don’t have to beat anyone out in order to win. This is not a competition to see who is the most righteous. It is an invitation to all to enter into and keep sacred covenants with the Lord, and in so doing wisdom is the natural result.
The key to obtaining every blessing from God is to enter into the covenant of baptism and receive further covenants in the temple and remain true to them. Those covenants ensure that the Lord will keep his end of the promise… because we are on the covenant path we can trust that in the Lord’s time and way every righteous desire of our heart will be met. We are not obedient so that we can show how righteous we are we are obedient because it is the only offering we have to show our love and gratitude to God and His beloved son. Obedience also gives us safety and peace but it doesn’t replace our need to partake of the atonement of Jesus Christ. You may find as I have that the more obedient you seek to be the more you need the enabling power that the atonement provides. We must also realize that there isn’t a blessing that we can merit on our own. We are blessed because the Lord desires to give us the blessing. Some blessings come so soon in our lives that it may feel like it was a curse…some blessings seem so distant that we give up from lack of faith and diligence. What I know that will work for everyone are the universal truths of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. They are applicable to every situation. There is nothing more important to understand and live in our lives. Truly the Lord gave his life for a purpose and it was so that we never had to walk the lonely road of discipleship alone.
This life is truly the veil of tears partly because of the veil that is over our minds that hides the purposes of God. The test and trials that come from living by faith in a fallen world won’t end until we are restored to our understanding of the Lord’s entire plan for our lives. While I don’t have a full memory of my life with God before I came to earth the Lord has blessed me with glimpses and hope. As I have labored for His work and those glimpses and hope have been enough to carry me through the hard times. During the difficult times I seek to build a stronger foundation of faith in Him and the Atoning sacrifice of the Lord Jesus Christ.
If there is any blessing we desire and we have not been able to obtain it then we must be obedient to the laws upon which those blessing were predicated. Translation, we must live the law to obtain the blessings attached to that law. If we want a strong and healthy body we must live the word of wisdom and trust in the Lord. Now this can be confusing because some. What happens when others seem to obtain blessings without any obedience at all? This is where dropping the comparison issue of human nature become essential. God is teaching and blessing all of his children in a profoundly personal way. It is difficult to understand what God is trying to teach us if we are constantly worried about the people around us. Each individual has the responsibility to seek the Lord in their personal and privatecircumstances. God’s plan for me included years of longing for family that seemed far from my grasp while others got those blessing young and struggled under the weight of those responsibilities. Some seem to get these blessings while living in total defiance of the Lord and His plan. I learned that blessings were only evidence of God’s love and he makes the rain fall on the just as well as the unjust. The unifying factor for us all is that not matter our circumstances, Christ is always the answer and is willing to help us.
If there is one thing that I think would be most helpful to anyone who is seeking to know more in the Church or who is investigating joining the Church is this….the Day of the Militant Mormon is over…What do I mean by that? Unfortunately when you work with imperfect people you will always have imperfection. If 50% of the Church won’t be ready when the Savior comes again it is best to look to the Jesus and his inspired servants on this earth when seeking to find a pattern for your life. The most important thing we can do is live our life in tune with the spirit of the Lord so that we can recognize truth from heaven and to recognize the leaders that are following God. Following the Spirit of the Lord is our one sure way to God. I have watched the teaching of the Church improve over the years and the emphasis on Christ and His Doctrines become more pure. It is my hope that wrong teaching and passing on of false traditions is ending. There is so much hope in the atonement of the Savior. He truly will wipe all the tears from our eyes.
If you desire to learn about our Church I invite you to look to LDS.org and Mormon.org for your answers. There is a wealth of knowledge there. Also this weekend is General Conference held in Salt Lake City Utah and broadcast throughout the world. This is when the Propjet Apostles and General Leadership of the Church speak on the messages they feel impressed to share through the Spirit of the Lord. It is a perfect time to see what we are all about. Sessions begin at 10 a.m. and go to 12:00 p.m. on Saturday and Sunday. There are afternoon sessions as well from 2:00 p.m.-4:00 p.m. and a Priesthood session on Saturday from 6:00-8:00 p.m.
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