Galatians 5:22-23
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace,
longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,
Meekness, temperance, against such there is no law.
So often I have been puzzled by trying to feel and recognize
the spirit for myself. I have also been puzzled by others experiences in which
they claim to be directed by revelations from God. These puzzling questions
have helped guide my search to find the truth of the matter. I really love
these verses from Galatians because they tell me that acting on spiritual
promptings will have a beneficial result and these are some of the strongest
ways in which the spirit will manifest itself to us. I have also learned that
sometimes the spirit prompts me to do some things that require courage and
getting out of my comfort zone, but always after
I have faithfully accomplished those things to which I was prompted to do I get
a fruit of the spirit, either love, joy or peace, or really whatever it is that
the Lord sees that I need to give me a confirming witness that he commanded the
things that I did.
I have also learned some valuable lessons along the way and
I felt impressed that I should record and share those experiences with you. I
hope that it will be helpful to you in your quest to better understand the
workings of the Spirit of the Lord. They really helped me, and I know that God
is merciful and he teaches us in a way that we understand. Knowing this is both
beautiful and difficult to convey. In sharing these experiences because I do
not want to claim that this is an all exclusive experience in how the Spirit
functions. I will say that no matter how differently we are instructed there
are guides and checks in the scriptures and in the words of the living prophets
that are universal. These guides assist us in processing our experiences and
gaining spiritual understanding for them. Since I am confident there are people
like me out there in the world I just wanted to be able to share something that
perhaps will lift your hearts and help. I am also confident that this may spark
the embers of recollection for you and encourage you to share your story. I am
a firm believer that there is much to gain in hearing and understanding through
the Spirit of the Lord their experiences and life lessons.
Christ teaches us to
be as a little child/Faith and Innocence of a Child is the natural teaching
ground for things of the spirit.
As a child I loved the things of righteousness. I loved “Hamily
foam Evening” which is what I used to call family home evening. (Family Home
Evening is observed on Monday Evenings and is a sacred time that has been
established by the LDS Church for families to spend together.) I liked
scriptures study not because I understood it but because I felt something good in it. Parents need not worry that their
children do not understand the scriptures and worry more about doing what it
takes to create an environment where the children can feel the spirit. Perhaps
it was partly due to the spiritual efforts my parents made in teaching me and
perhaps it is just a gift or both working together from a young age I looked
for connections to life from the scriptures, which I know now to be a function spiritual
gift. I have an ability to understand how the scriptures interrelate with life
and all of its wonders. I know that more
specifically this ability connects with the gifts of knowledge, wisdom, the
gift to teach by knowledge and wisdom, discernment, and joy in reading the
scriptures. Of course there are other gifts of the spirit such as faith, hope
and charity that enhance this ability. I will be sharing more about spiritual
gifts in another post, for now I would like to share how the ability to recognize
the spirit and how the spirit was working in me throughout my life. I will
readily admit that when I was younger I thought everyone thought that way I did.
Now I understand that each person is unique and the gifts and abilities they
have from the Lord also gives them great perspective on matters and much can be
learned if we work together using the gifts that the Lord has given us.
I do remember the first time I thought that I could be
different. I was weeding the garden and
having an allergy attack from the weeds at the same time. I remember saying, “That
darn Adam”. My Mother looked at me
puzzled…so I explained… “Well if he wouldn’t have fallen we wouldn’t have
weeds.” Clearly I understood nothing of the doctrine of the Fall at that time
and it would be a perfect time to enlighten me…but it was not common to focus
on teaching doctrines of the gospel in that way when I grew up. Many considered
them separately and would have lessons on Sunday or even daily scriptures study,
but really focusing on doctrine means seeing their links to life and the
lessons that God is trying to teach us daily. Religious training for women in
the Church was vastly different than that of the men from about 1940-1995 when
President Hinckley instituted the correlation of Priesthood and Relief Society Instructionwith
the lessons coming from the Prophets. I can’t say for certain that the lack of
doctrinal instruction in courses for the women and girl’s courses in the Church
were to blame for the lack of further instruction or my Mom simply took pity on
me due to the allergy attack that I was allowed to do chores inside the house
instead of outside that day. While don’t remember getting that conflict
resolved in my heart for some time. What is evidence in my experience that I
was seeking at an early age to understand the gospel. We must not underestimate
the abilities of children to grasp the things of the spirit!
Even though I didn’t have a proper understanding of
doctrinal truths at that time I did desire the things of righteousness. I was
willing to adjust my life to the truths I was learning. I remember one evening
in particular after a family home evening that I felt quite humbled by the lesson. I don’t remember
the lesson I do remember the result of real sorrow due to the fighting I had
done with my sister. Meekness always
attends a repentant heart and at my
young age I was having these fruits of the spirit being made manifest to me. I
remember my mother comforting me and
helping work things out between my sister and myself. I know that by inviting
the spirit of the Lord into our homes through Family Home Evening we assist our
families in having greater access to the blessings of the Lord. Specifically I
know that bonding experiences come to those who work at having meaningful
family home evening, which includes playing together as a family, as well as
increasing feeling of love for each member.
Sometimes when I was little and able to talk my siblings
into playing Church I would set up a sacrament meeting. I did feel like some
things about Church could be better. For example I would have my brother pass
the whole pieces of bread for the sacrament instead of the small ones that are
never enough. Clearly I didn’t understand the sacred significance of the
ordinance of the sacrament, but I sure did like it. I would stand on the piano bench
while speaking into our vacuum cleaner handle to my audience of siblings and
stuffed animals. I think I vaguely remember them giving talks as well too. I
definitely sought for goodness in my
play. Goodness is another fruit of
the spirit and it doesn’t seem strange to me at all that following these
experiences of playing Church that I also had a desire to participate in
Church.
I remember trying to figure out what to say in a testimony.
I wanted to share my testimony in Church but I wanted to make sure I said the
right thing. I would listen to the testimonies of others and recognized that
there were several phrases that were repeated. I knew they must be part of a
testimony so of course I included them; “I know this Church is true! I love my
family…” I must have been close to six years old at the time and a little
confused that testimonies seemed to be all over the place in what people shared.
(It really wasn’t until my MTC training that I actually knew the purpose of
testifying and what we should testify about.) I asked my mother as we were
driving in the car to go somewhere what was in a testimony. While I don’t
remember her instruction I do remember after her instruction practicing what
she taught as I knelt down in the back of our Monte Carlo. Of course there were
no seat belt laws at the time. I felt driven to share the gospel due to the faith I had even at that early age.
I don’t remember how long
it was from the time of my Mother’s instruction until the time of my trying to
share my testimony in Church, but I do remember that experience. I was sitting
on my Father’s lap when I decided to ignore my overwhelming nervousness and
follow that feeling that I needed to stand before all the strangers and share
my heart and testimony. I went up all on my own and began to share my rehearsed
testimony but something different happened in the process that I had not
anticipated. I was overpowered with a feeling
of love that was so strong and good I began to cry. I was shocked and
scared then audience started to laugh. Looking back I can see that they were
just thinking I was so cute, but at the time I was really humiliated by the
audience and confused by what I felt. I ran and tripped a bit going back to the
safety and security of my Dad’s lap. I wasn’t there long before I felt better,
but it would be years until I would again gain the courage to share my testimony.
What I didn’t understand then but I now do was I felt another fruit of the Holy
Ghost. I was feeling the Love and
approval of God, which is one of the most wonderful feelings.
Also as a child I loved singing in the primary program that
was held yearly in our ward and is held yearly Church wide. It is an
opportunity for the Children to teach the gospel. I recall singing quite loud
and knowing every word, I also remember a few people thinking it was a little
funny, but I still felt proud of what I was singing and I felt the something wonderful. I know what I felt at that time was the
Holy Ghost testifying of truth to my heart by the Holy Ghost that what I was
singing was true. This can also be called enlightening or enlivening.
I felt something really strong when I say about missionary work. I felt what
the scriptures call, invigorated. It
was like electricity was moving through my whole body. I felt tingly all over
and super happy. I knew that I would
serve a mission someday and I wanted to with my whole heart. Knowing these
things know I am so grateful for an opportunity to help my son recognize at a
young age the truth of the fruits of the spirit and how we can have the Holy
Ghost with us always as we remain worthy of it.
Although I didn’t feel the courage to bear my testimony
again for some time that didn’t damper on me learning things by the spirit in
fact I had numerous experiences with the spirit. I lacked faith in my ability
to testify but I had faith in living
other principles of the gospel. Also being young and innocent has its
advantages when it comes to spiritual matters. Looking back and pondering when
I feel the spirit with me has allowed these experiences to come back and teach
me. Now I readily recognized what I didn’t understand at the time that the
fruits of the spirit were responsible for those wonderful feelings.
One of the sweetest feeling of the spirit I remember as a
child was on the day of my Baptism. We are baptized at age 8 in my faith as
revealed to the prophets. I appreciated making the choice to be baptized and
speaking to my Bishop I felt something warm in my heart (love) and I desired to do anything that would produce such a good
feeling. I would look back and label what I felt as a warm light within me that was attended by a sweet feeling of peace that gave me confidence that my decision was right.
I did experience a little opposition on my Baptismal day. It
was nothing grand and glorious like the poor Saints who were part of the
restoration of the Church. I was told by my older brother that the water would
turn black because of my sins. I thoroughly believed him, this had to be true.
I decided to get baptized anyway because I knew it was the right thing to do.
Perhaps it was because I was already nervous and I was the first in the line of
young people who would be baptized that day. My nervousness increased to being
absolutely terrified when I went to open the door as I had been instructed to
lead to the font when my name was called and found the door locked. I was
pounding on that door hoping that somehow it would open. There was a lot of hustle
and bustle and talk about how to get me into the font, finally the man with the
keys to the door showed up and I was able to walk down the steps into the
baptismal font and meet my father a worthy priesthood holder. I passed my
little trial of faith in order to get baptized and the fruit of that experience
was so sweet. What I didn’t know at the time was that contrary to the belief
that I held that my sins were washed away in the water, they were actually
washed away by the reception of the Holy Ghost the following Sunday during
Sacrament meeting. I felt awesome after my baptism and nothing else mattered.
The following Sunday during Sacrament Meeting I was invited
to the front of the Chapel with a small group of priesthood brethren, namely my
grandfathers, father, and Uncles who held the Melchizedek priesthood. They
placed their hands on my head and joined in a circle. I remember feeling that
their hands were heavy. I don’t remember much of what was said, but I do
remember when I was told to receive the Holy Ghost that I felt like a warm picture of water was rushing from their hands
to my head and filling my entire body. Man I loved that feeling. I know now
that what I felt then was the miracle of the bestowal of the Gift of the Holy
Ghost which was to be my companion as I remained worthy of that gift. I know
looking back I had a feeling of edification
testifying that the decision I had made was right and the experience I had had
was from God. There was a profound feeling of peace that stayed with me. I was not to have such another powerful
experience until the day I received my patriarchal blessing.
How do I know if I am
feeling the spirit or if it is just my cream of wheat?
I don’t want to give the wrong impression that I was an
angel child that did everything right and was never angry. I was a normal child
who dealt all the occasional time outs and being sent to my room. I did
whatever I could to avoid getting spanked. When I got older I still struggled
with the typical challenges of the age and trying to figure out how to deal
with all I was learning in school and Church, which didn’t always agree.
Something else was happening even though I wasn’t aware of it. The accountability
I had as a child was very small and slowly I was gaining more and more of an
understanding of spiritual things which made me more responsible for my
choices. Agency, another universal truth, was also changing me, for in order to
be an agent for oneself I needed to understand the law in order to experience
having full agency in making choices. I often did things because my parents
expected it or because I feared what would happen if I didn’t do what was
right. This is a limited use of our agency and does not have as much power to
really change our hearts and grow spiritually. Doing what was right for the
mere sake of wanting to do what was right happened more slowly for me and
continues to change and purify to this day. I have also come to understand more
of how personal purity and virtue plays such a huge role in the amount of
spiritual knowledge we gain. Having our thoughts and actions match the gospel
standard in this regard is and always has been under great attack in the world.
I believe it is because Satan is real and he doesn’t want us to understand what
living a pure and virtuous life can do for us. He clouds the lines of
appropriate behavior and wins part of our hearts.
Seminary was great to help us understand gospel truths that
sometimes we may have missed from our Sunday instruction or instruction that
occurred in our home. I learned great lessons of morality and personal
worthiness in both places, but I didn’t understand half the words which were
used to teach me. I remember a classmate asking a question that I have never
forgotten. He said, “How do you know if you are feeling the spirit or if it is
just your cream of wheat you ate that morning?” The question was never
answered. I don’t know why. Perhaps the teacher thought he was being flippant,
since teenagers occasionally are, but something in my heart told me that it was
sincere. Plus I wanted to know the answer. Later in my youth I learned that
because the youth are just learning how to feel and recognize that the Holy
Ghost they have a lesser accountability when they do something wrong than when
someone who commits the same sin with a greater understanding. In other words
what some label as sins are mistakes and even if they do actually commit a sin they
sins of youth are very forgivable. That was a truth that set me free and really
helped me to feel the mercy of the Lord. It also made a lot of sense. I wasn’t
acting in open rebellion and even if I did wrong things most of the time I
didn’t even know they were wrong. I did know and love many who did make really
wrong decisions and they also knew they were wrong, but they only knew they
were wrong because their parents had told them that and not because of any true
conversion to the spirit themselves.
I tried to keep the commandments with all of my heart. I
loved to pray and I greatly feared doing anything in which I would have to
speak to the Bishop about. Little did I
know that keeping the commandments was making it more possible for me to feel
the spirit. I didn’t like movies that were violent or that had bad words
and I did feel uncomfortable with things that were wrong. Now I know that these
were also gifts of the spirit. The fruits of love joy and peace would
come after I left the situations that were not good. I just wanted to be at
home most of the time, because I felt safe and loved there.
While I was far from
perfect and fought much more with my siblings than anyone should I did have
enough of the spirit to recognize that I needed to get my patriarchal blessing.
This is a special ordinance is not essential for salvation. A Patriarchal
blessing gives us personal counsel, comfort and direction. A Patriarch places
his hand on your head and gives you counsel from your Heavenly Father to you.
It was a special and sacred experience that changed me. I recognized the change
too; it took the fight out of me. My little sister Celeste wanted to know what
it was like to get the blessing and I told her that we were not suppose to talk
about it. I didn’t quite understand how to share something so sacred without
offending the spirit. I am sure my sister could have been told more, but I
didn’t know how. She got upset with me and I remember not fighting back. Then I
knew that something had changed in me. I
didn’t even want to fight.
I was far from being out of spiritual danger even though I
wanted to do the right things. I often got really angry with people that were
mean and that anger justified or not, separated me from God. Sometimes I let
things fester way too long, but my Mom did something terrific for me then. She
bought me music that was meant to help us feel the spirit. I didn’t know that
at the time. I kind of liked the melodies and the feeling that I had. My spirit
was being fed with powerful reminders of God’s love and the need to live his gospel. Plus it wasn’t organ music
that would give the definite religious flare it was EFY music. For those of you
that don’t know what EFY is it is an acronym that stands for Especially for
Youth. If you were to hear the music for yourself you would probably identify
it as Christian Rock. I liked it. It helped me feel better and focus on things
that really mattered.
Attending Ricks College gave me a really good experience of
how to incorporate the spirit of the Lord in all we did. Attending the college
ward was awesome because it was centered on the challenges that we had as young
adults. I felt the spirit strong every week. My religion classes were deep and
meaningful and I really learned a lot. I was beginning to experience a mighty
Change in heart. Opportunities to serve and lead were also helping me to get
more of the Spirit of the Lord with me, but nothing was so life changing as receiving
the temple endowment and recognition of covenants and ordinances on feeling and
recognizing the spirit.
I remember walking out of the temple and seeing the world
with new eyes. I saw people as children of God and my brothers and sisters. I
didn’t want to do silly things anymore and I felt a greater desire to read and
understand the scriptures. I went back to the temple often and I loved how it
felt. I tried to learn something new every time I went. There was a peace and
joy there that I couldn’t find anywhere else.
Since I went to the temple when I was 19 I wasn’t able to
think about serving a mission until age 21. I thought I might marry first
having some options that came, but the answers I had in prayer were taking me
into a different direction. I know that the Lord was preparing me for a mission
and the extra time in the temple gave me greater
confidence and more virtue. This
experience helped me mature spiritually. I believe that these were critical
steps in helping me accomplish what I would need to do as a missionary and
where the Lord would lead me after that.
Refinement of
Missionary Service
Mission life was challenging, yet I am so grateful for the
refinement that began in the MTC and continued throughout my mission. I
received a spiritual witness unlike any other I had at the time that Joseph
Smith was a prophet of God. I knew that by the power of the Holy Ghost. This
all happened during the weeks of intense spiritual refinement I received during
the MTC. I don’t think I was the only
one in the Church that nicknamed the MTC the “Mental Torture Chamber”. I felt
so convicted of my sins there. It seemed as though I remembered every unkind
and wrong thing I ever did there. What I understand now is that it is
impossible to come closer to God in our sins we must shed them and allow the
Savior by his Atonement to cover us in our weakness. I was super confused by
this since I had “repented” or so I thought, but I really needed a better
understanding of what repentance really was. I was gently led by my Heavenly
Father to understand that principle and the importance of the condition of my
heart while going through repentance. Merely going through the steps of
repentance was not enough. I needed a penitent heart. I learned that I could
serve as an imperfect person and he would change me and I could repent as I
served. I had not been guilty of anything that would have prevented my service,
but I sure felt like a fish out of water the way I was learning about
repentance there. I wished I had become comfortable and understood that process
better much earlier. I also wish that I
hadn’t been so afraid of repentace when I was little and had more confidence in
the Savior’s Atonement, but I did do the best I could with the knowledge I had
and tried to assist others to understand that blessing better in their lives.
I desperately wanted people to listen to my message; I knew
how much they would benefit from the peace
and love that came through the reception of the Gift of the Holy Ghost. I
knew there was no better pursuit in life. I knew because I was willing to leave
the Church if it wasn’t true. That was the condition of my heart when I prayed
to know if our Church was the Lord’s only true Church on the face of the Earth.
It was way too bold of a statement for me to feel comfortable with unless I got
my answer from God. I prayed in the MTC
and explained that I would give my life to this work if it was true, but if not
I would leave and got an unmistakable answer that filled me with such “joy”. I have thought about the
condition in which I approached the Lord and wondered why he answered me. I
have come to understand that 1. I was completely sincere in my desires, 2. I
was keeping the commandments and 3. This experience was necessary for my life would
later prove to be critical in understanding those I would contact on my
mission.
For a moment all my fear was gone and filled with increased faith in the Church seemed to be all
that mattered. I was called to serve in the New York, Utica mission; New York was
not a very easy going state. I had one too many experiences with those who
practiced witchcraft and I felt a great drive to avoid any kind of resemblance
to their way of life. I testified often as prompted by the spirit and that had
a huge impact on me. I began to gain more confidence in the ways of the spirit.
I began to recognize when the spirit was speaking to me and also when the
spirit was speaking to others.
I remember one experience when an investigator told me that
he had heard the spirit tell him not to go to Church. I knew this young man was
struggling to stay active and worthy so I wasn’t surprised that he would have
an interaction with the wrong spirit. I told him that was not the right spirit.
I think that was the first time he was introduced that there were good and evil
spirits around us and it was up to us and our choices to decide what we would
choose to follow. Because missionaries moved around a lot I lost contact with
him, but I will always remember him. I hope that things worked out okay for
him. He helped to me to understand even more to keep the commandments and learn to listen to the right spirit. The
best scriptures I can suggest for those of you who want to further study this
concept is Doctrine and Covenants section 50. There is also a lot of Church
History that helps as well, but starting in D&C 50 is the best place to begin.
Flirting and dating are not tolerated and contrary to some I
was relieved that I wouldn’t have to worry about that stuff when I was out on
my mission, or so I thought. Not flirting and dating was a harder for some than
others, but I was amazed with even my desires to have nothing to do with it there
were still challenges. I couldn’t control the actions of others. I learned
something really great from sacrificing this part of my social life for 18
months. I learned that by putting God first everything would turn out just fine
when it came to matters of the heart. I kept the rules even when the traveling
leadership encouraged otherwise. While I had some pretty tempting experiences,
namely really good young men showing interest in me, I am happy to say that I
stayed true to my promise to keep the mission rules. The experience wasn’t
completely worthless. These good young men helped me to start recognizing
traits that I wanted in a husband and things I didn’t want as well.
I worked myself to complete exhaustion just how I was
wrongly taught to do. The scriptures are clear that we are not to run faster
than we have strength, (see Mosiah 4:27) but because we follow the leadership
and there are many varied abilities among people it is difficult to come up
with rules that blesses everyone. I just didn’t understand that working so hard
didn’t mean sacrificing my health. I came home quite ill and took a while to
get my condition under control, but I felt that the spirit wanted me home for a
little while. I tried to follow the spirit in what I should study for a career
and I know that I got an answer from Heaven that I was to be a teacher. It came
in a really interesting way. I was actually on the mission when I got the
answer even though I wouldn’t be able to do anything about it until I got home.
It happened when I was out knocking on doors and praying in my heart of what I
should do weeks away when I got home. I knocked on a door and a man answered.
He grabbed my hand with both of his and looked into my eyes. He told me that I
needed to be a teacher. There was no prompting by me whatsoever to initiate an
exchange. There was a prayer in my heart. I knew what this man had said was
true because of the feelings that came to my heart. I felt peaceful and energized to pursue that path. I still had to
decide what kind of teacher, but the main direction was a gift from God.
Difficulty with
matters of the heart
Trying to “find my center” or get a direction for my life
when I came home was a little difficult I needed a direction and course and
when I was a missionary that was all set up for me. I needed to learn how to implement all I had learned through the spirit
to real life now and so I sought to get healthier, and find the direction I
pursue when I went to school. I worked in a couple grade schools, I did
home health, and I worked in an interior decorating shop in Rigby. The owners
of this shop would later become my Brother’s in-laws, but at the time they were
just good friends with my Dad. I felt great when I was involved in the schools,
but I didn’t know if elementary education was the kind of teacher I needed to
be come. Through prayer and constant effort I finally felt all things come
together in the moment that the Lord had designed for me to go to Utah and
attend Brigham Young University. I had my reservations and I knew I would be
challenged by my new environment, but I also knew that I needed to keep growing
spiritually to keep the spirit with me and there was nothing better than a
challenge to keep you spiritually up to date.
I was a little surprised when I did find my major that it
was not a teaching major. I remember attending a devotional that was presenting
the changes that were happening within the school of family life. Family
Science was going to be called Marriage Family and Human Development and follow
the pattern of the Prophets and revelation as to the subjects they would cover
and how they would teach it. I was thrilled and overcome with joy. I wanted to
be a part of that major! It filled my
heart and was exactly what I needed to continue to purify my desires and come
closer to God. It is hard to say which experience was more powerful in
changing me. The education that I was gaining was really helping me get an
internal definition of the Doctrine of the Family that aligned with the Lord
and His desires for the Human family. Later the School of Family Life offered a
Family Life Educators Certification. I thought this has to be the kind of
teacher that I needed to become and I took all the required courses. Little did
I know at the time that I would become a seminary teacher. I recognize now that the information I was
learning was preparing me for my future family and working with thousands of families
in the Seminary and Institute Program.
I will have to say that all of my education experiences of
growth didn’t outweigh extracurricular activities. I would even say that my
extracurricular activities had even more bearing on my spiritual growth than anything
I was learning spiritually. I fervently wanted to be married and make the next
steps that I thought were both natural and normal. I was no longer afraid of
that most important step. What I didn’t expect was how many disappointing
relationships I was going to go through. The marriage discussion seemed to come
up with everyone I dated, mostly because I chose to date those who were ready
for that next step. For one reason or another; my relationships would not work
out. What made that difficult was how prayerful I was and how I sought the
spirit in understanding if those I was dating were acceptable choices. I was a
little confused why I would feel good and peaceful about pursuing relationships
that wouldn’t work out the way I wanted them too.
I know that the Lord was allowing me to experience these
many disappointments to help me understand that another’s agency has a bearing
on the outcome of prayers. I would have experiences where either I or the one I
was dating would get a confirmation that things were right, but the other one
wouldn’t want to continue. I didn’t always know if they were prayerful about
the matter, I did know that I was. I found it more and more difficult to invest
my heart in relationships because of their unstable nature. But driven with the desire to do what was
right I began to see that while God allowed me to go through these difficult
challenges I was able to relate to those who had similar heartache in a much
more compassionate way. That was enough to keep me from making the choice that
so many of my other peers were making to give up on relationships or to lower
their standards. My trials were not being wasted, they were the vehicle that
God used to teach me of spiritual things and it helped me to better understand
and show empathy to his children. My capacity to love was growing and so was my wisdom. My faith in God and
my closeness I felt to Him was also increasing. I could see that there was
great difficulty in matters of the heart. It
was easy to confuse emotional experiences for spiritual experiences because of
their common link, Love, and peace, and even joy. Experience taught me that
while I could get a “yes” that the relationship I was in was pleasing to God; I
needed to wait to find out if the other individual also received a “yes”.
I had at least three relationships where we both had yes on
my side for a time, and then when we came to know each other better we found
that the goals we had for life were not the same. Rather than making each other
change the righteous desires of our heart we saw this as a good reason to go
our separate ways. Of course one of us would usually come up with that answer
before the other and hurt always came in when I was the one that didn’t
understand. I also had the experiences when the other individual was not honest
this was the most confusing and hurtful. I always tried to be honest and not
date someone after I knew that things would not work out. That saved me from
eventual heartache that I knew would come since I had experience that with my
first engagement. When I was engaged the
first time I had a nagging feeling that something wasn’t right. I wished I
would have listened to and understood those feelings that I had and trusted
them more than I trust the things the man I loved would say. I put my trust
in the wrong source. God is always right even if others are telling us what we
want to hear that is contrary to what God wants for us.
I wasn’t doing anything wrong I was pursuing something that
was right and good, but I learned that Satan had his way of challenging us in
these things as well. I found that loneliness and unmet needs clouded my
thinking. At the time I didn’t know how to give those troubles to the Lord and
allow him to help me rise above my circumstances. I did learn through these
experiences that the Lord could lift those challenges if I would pour out my
whole soul to him in prayer and have faith that he would help me. A tender
mercy I received while breaking up with my fiancé was a sweet a peaceful feeling that everything was the way the Lord
intended and it was right to not be with him. While this was one of the most
devastating experiences it was also extremely enlightening to the fact that I
needed to never allow things in my heart that would cause me to stray from God
and his plan for me. I needed to use his grace to overcome those challenges
whenever that happened. Since that time I have always recognized that peaceful feeling when things happen
contrary to the way I thought they would.
I know that it was my faith
in Christ that helped me to recover from that personal devastation. I also
know that living the commandments
especially keeping law of chastity gave me greater strength to continue to wait
for the companion who would take me worthily to the temple. I kept my hope
alive because of my faith in the
Savior and the soul stretching experience of having to wait for years beyond my
desires to find a righteous husband. These years were critical in building the
strength of character given through the spirit’s
long-suffering I would need to take on the challenges of marrying a widower
later on.
On a little less-serious matter I experienced the fruit of
the spirit, longsuffering, in behalf
of a roommate. At the time I was serving as the Relief Society President of my
college ward. I made a lot of mistakes. But I had help from the spirit to do
things that were very important. I remember having a disagreement in the
apartment, and while I was not the one at fault for the issue I did feel like
there were unfair demands placed upon her so I stood up for her and challenged
the opposing roommate with these words, “Does it really matter?” This
infuriated my roommate. She angrily replied that she hated my sarcasm and threw
a glass of water in my face. Then something out of the ordinary happened. I didn’t retaliate and there was the miracle.
I looked at her and felt the most
wonderful peace come upon me. I felt lifted beyond my present abilities I simply
responded “I am sorry did I say something wrong?”
Seriously for years after I have pondered this experience
because it was so contrary to my nature to not fight back when someone was
being unfair. I learned later that I roommate at the time was devastated by the
loss of a relationship she had hoped would be more. I didn’t know, but the Lord
knew she couldn’t handle anything but kindness when the spirit of the Lord intervened.
I know the spirit didn’t just intervene because I was her roommate, but I was
also a spiritual leader to the women in that ward and I desperately needed his
help and prayed for it continually.
I did have a few moments that really lightened the mood when
I was feeling that the trial of living single when I wanted to be married would
never end! One time of these heart lifting moments came when I was seeking to
lift the hearts of others. It happened during a stand-up comedian show I was
doing with two of my friends. I was able to get a really funny line out though
after being perfectly set up by the male member of the troop, he was griping
about girls and dating life and putting us in the disparaging light. It did not
matter to me at the time how truthful and warranted his feelings were I had to
one up him in my comedy set. I was talking about lines from the hymns that are
the perfect match for our trial. I chose lines that people sang all the time,
but never really matched them with their experiences. I used the hymn God Speed the Right to be the theme song
for dating and encouraged the girls when things were not working out to know
that with “if we FAIL we Fail with Glory.” This definitely shot
down the young man I was working with and put the women in a much better position
which could not be debated. The crowd roared with laughter, mostly because it
was about 80% female and they finally understood a way that line actually made
sense.
I was always a seminary teacher 1st and a
comedian second, and while my friend’s frustration was apparent there was a
doctrinal difference to the circumstance. Because the responsibility to marry
is squarely on the holders of the Melchizedek priesthood and if they shirk
their responsibility to, “Work and Watch and Fight and Pray” through the
efforts of finding a wife and fail to marry they are in big trouble eternally.
The woman whom they could have married is left single she will be compensated
for her misfortune, or “fail with glory.” Of course the man can always repent
and gain his blessings later so I don’t want you to think I have forever being
damned in association with the last remark, it is common knowledge that the
women bare less of the responsibility and therefore can still continue to grow
spiritually so long as they do not turn down worthy options and due to her own disobedience
to God’s commandments.
The other time I got a chuckle when we were singing the words
to “Does the journey seem long,” It
seemed like every line paralleled comically the challenges of waiting for what
seemed like forever for a spouse and I am grateful comedy assisted me in
getting through those difficult years. I believe that these experiences were a
completely different fruit of the sprit I felt both love, joy and greater peace
with my circumstances. I learned that temperance
was also important. Temperance or
what we would term as balance in our life was and still is a constant struggle.
Graduation came and went and I was led by the Lord to the
Seminary and Institute program in the LDS Church. I was in the perfect
environment now to teach and learn more of the doctrine of the Lord. I finally
figured out what kind of teacher I needed to be 4 years after the experience I
had on my mission leading me to a teaching profession. I learned an important
part of gaining spiritual understanding and that is the timing of the Lord is
always right. I really liked being a part of the first group of seminary
teachers to teach the new methods that involved more student participation
instead of the common stand and deliver style of teaching. I needed the training
that was happening now and could see how perfect the timing was for me to enter
the Seminary and Institute Program. It was difficult to have such a different
training background as my faculty.
I did at times feel like obedience to the training I received
meant I was rocking the boat since a majority of those I worked with were not
trained in this new style. The intensity that I was trained as a student
teacher gave me pivotal experiences in understanding the value of the new style
and was part of what I needed to stay true to it during the transition period.
Other teachers were being trained on these same principles in regular training
meetings, but they had greater difficulty giving up the way they had taught for
years for yet another new style of teaching. I did see the positive effects on
the students and knew for myself that I really didn’t learn in depth the
teachings of the gospel until I was the one teaching and applying those
principles. I do believe that there were individual families that were doing
exactly this in their own families, but seminary was a place where we could
reach those with less than ideal circumstances at home.
Trying the spirits; seeking
to understand if our spiritual promptings are coming from God or other sources.
I only worked a few years as a full-time teacher before I
applied for the Master’s of Religious Education Program that was made available
for our profession at BYU. I felt driven to follow the counsel I had been in a
priesthood blessing to put my whole heart into this work. I knew this
opportunity would help me do just that. It was an awesome time for growth in
knowledge of the scriptures and more disappointments in relationships. My
environment was intense and lacked the balance that I needed to completely feel
the full blessings of the gospel, but I did get the portion to which I was
obedient too. I started a comedy group Humor-U just to be able to do something
different. While it was difficult to have
balance at the same time and had a demanding schedule, I was searching in my
heart for mister right. Working
full-time and continuing my education in a very demanding Master’s program. It
was easier to stay busy and focused during that time. But business does not equate with righteousness and being too busy will
drown out spiritual promptings.
I believe it was partly an imbalance in the systems that I
was working in that allowed me to still feel the spirit even though I was being
stretched too thin, because I was not fully accountable for the issue. I was
only following the guidelines of BYU and Seminary and Institute so there was a
shared accountability happening. I also didn’t see another way around it because
I was obligated to my employer to work the way they insisted and I was
obligated to the Master’s program that I had felt impressed to join. Seminary
and Institutes as well as BYU are known for the excellence and they are
incredibly demanding in what they expect out of their participants. I am not
saying they are unrighteous at all in their goals, they do the best they can
with the huge range of students and their differing abilities. I haven’t quite
worked out the whole demand for excellence while still living a temperate life
and not being too busy. I did find that I needed to rely more on the Lord for
what I was to accomplish during the day and let other things go. This meant
sometimes choosing between two things that were good, but the Lord knew where I
needed to end up and I trusted his judgment on where I needed to focus my time.
The good things that happened to change the way I thought and
believed I can say were due to the fact that I was constantly immersed in the scriptures
and words of the prophets for both my profession and my schooling. My attention
directed through the spirit to principles I was learning about or teaching that
were applicable to me and my present challenges. When studying the teachings of
the Prophet Joseph Smith I came across the principle of “Trying the Spirits.”
Doctrine and covenants 50 also explains these principles and I found this to
really grab my attention. I realized that I needed to purify further my life
and seek to know the spirit that I was choosing to be led by. Moroni 7 also
provided vital information in learning how to judge these spiritual
impressions. I began to recognize the increasingly subtle advances that the
adversary was trying to throw at me to distract me from my purpose to serve God
and others.
It was during this time that I felt overwhelmed with opposition.
I knew that it came due to the nature of my project and thesis I was working on
that if successful had the potential to help remove road blocks to the new
curriculum for the youth. I fasted, I prayed, I changed, and I sacrificed, but
I was much weighed down in these circumstances and I needed more help. It was
then that my little brother Joel showed up at my home. He could see that I was
distressed and I told him a little of what I was going through. I don’t remember
quite how it all worked out but I requested a blessing from him. In the blessing I felt a direct connection
to God and the words were exactly what I needed to continue my work. I was told
that there would be challenges thrust upon me. I don’t know why that was comforting
other than it confirmed I wasn’t nuts. The opposition I was experiencing
was real and I was told that Satan was trying to stop me. This again required
me to refine my life and get rid of things that were interrupting my ability to
connect with Heavenly Father. I was being led to an increase of faith and a refinement of my soul that was critical in
being successful. I also had my family fast for me which not only took care
of some struggles in family relationships it has been something we have adopted
as a regular family practice. We don’t just fast for my greatest concerns every
month, but we check in with all our family members and fast for each of my
sibling and parents greatest concerns. This has been a great blessing to our
family and we have become much closer.
I was successful in passing my Master’s Thesis and the
project which was accepted by the Young Women Department of the Church. It
proved helpful in establishing new curriculum for the youth. I moved forward
and again started to make myself available to date more and to pursue the
righteous desire of marriage and family. Or so I thought. I wasn’t in my new ward long
before I was called to serve as the Young Women’s President. This was
definitely in conflict with both my temple job and attending the activities for
singles my age. I prayed about it and knew by the peaceful feeling that the call came from God and again I would have to sacrifice what I
wanted for blessings God wanted for me which I couldn’t see. At least now I
understood that the Lord needed my faith and trust in him to grow and I had
amazing experiences with my girls. He also knew that I was up for more
disappointments in the dating world and these responsibilities would be the
means to lifting my heart.
I was able to continue my work at the temple which was in jeopardy
when I accept the call to be the Young Women’s president. I was completely
imbalanced in a worldly sense spending all my time in a spiritual realm and not
having much time for anything else. I
found the greatest temperance or balance was in this spiritual world. I absolutely
loved being in the temple and being a volunteer ordinance worker instead of
just doing my weekly service as a patron. While I was working there I felt that
actually felt a spiritual rest that I needed. That spiritual rest was partly
due to the goodness of the people that I associated with. Each heart hearts
which were full of love and willing to serve, all who enter the temple must
meet a worthiness requirement which also strengthens the spirit that you can
feel when you are around them. Now that I was no longer obligated to my
schooling I was able to be more obedient to the principle of temperance and receive that fruit of the
spirit that was most difficult for me.
Even though being a temple worker rather than just a patron more than doubled my
temple attendance I was in a place where it was so easy to feel the spirit and concentrate on Heavenly things. I began
to work in all other areas of my life with greater ease and with more faith. The Lord increased my
capacities. I appreciated the blessing of renewing our covenants during the
sacrament.
While my quest for spiritual knowledge is personal and still
a work in progress I hope that something I shared will be helpful and
encouraging to you in your quest for seeking and understanding the Spirit of
the Lord. I know that the Lord will lead
us if we will allow it and that he can help our lives to be more fulfilling and
happy! I know that no matter the changes we need to make to adjust our
lives to feel the fruits of the Spirit of the Lord are all well worth it. I
also know that while we may be different in our life stories we are all
connected to that same God that will lead and direct us to do well and to seek
to lift and serve others. I am so thankful for those that helped me in the
times of difficulty and I know that the Lord is so merciful and kind. I also know
that it doesn’t matter how far away we feel we are from the gospel of Jesus
Christ the only thing that stands between us and getting closer to God is us
and our incorrect perceptions. May the Lord bless you in your life and may you
have the opportunity to share with other the blessings you have felt come from
Him.
Galatians 5:22-23
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace,
longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,
Meekness, temperance, against such there is no law.
I have learned from my Great-grandmother Alice Paul that
splitting the work of the home into a schedule for the days of the week helps
things to get all the important things accomplished while providing a little
different environment for “Mom.” I have loved practicing this because it breaks
up the monotony that homemaking can have and provides a refreshing feeling. I
have learned from my Grandma Matthews that Sunday dinners are with family, especially
those that have grown up and having families of their own, is a great way to
stay connect and keep a positive influence on children. I have learned from my
Aunt Tonya that you should always carry gum and candy in your purse to help
children that are having a hard time staying still and need a little incentive.
I love being a good aunt and it was Aunt Tonya that helped me see how valuable
that role was. She gave me a lot more than gum she gave me herself. Then there
was my sweet Grammy who lived down the street, she made me feel awesome, always
saying how marvelous and wonderful everything I tried to accomplish was. These
women were there for me when I needed them. 