It has come to my attention recently that there are some very unhealthy ways of dealing with anger that are being perpetuated as righteous behavior…or at least justified. Reigning in our feelings and learning to control our thoughts words and actions (Mosiah 4:30) is a critical step in coming unto Christ. So many times I have been surprised at my own feelings in response to unkind remarks and acts. It seems as though at times I have switched to autopilot in my responses. I am grateful for the help I have had from heaven in resetting those automatic responses when people say and do the wrong things that bring injured feelings and even traumatic results.
I have found that assuming the worst in people is definitely the path to the dark side as well as the rose colored everything is fine and I am fine too approach is just as wrong. Christ justifies neither approach, for Christ advocates truth and nothings else. He says anything more or less than his doctrine is wrong. So what is his doctrine? How do we handle such sensitive things as our emotional upsets and our human frailty that leads to so many misunderstandings?
Look to God and live. It is as simple as the charge that Moses gave to the Israelites in the desert when they had been bitten by the flying fiery serpents. If they would look to the serpent that was fastened on the pole (which is a symbol of Christ on the cross) then they would live. The only problem is that some people thought that it was too easy and so they died instead. For those that looked they found that God is the answer to all of our problems. Not only does he have power to heal us physically He showed us that he had power to settle arguments…ease the burdens of his mother at a family wedding feast by using his miraculous power. He wept with his friends that couldn’t see the higher purpose in the death of their brother and he raised the widow’s son when she just couldn’t bear anymore. He confidently encouraged his disciples to do what they had seen him do.
I have watched in awe the goodness of others change a situation that could have been potentially really awful into something awe inspiring. One such event was when one of my object lessons went horrible wrong in seminary. I had set up the situation saying that a volunteer would be asked to follow a trusted voice while blindfolded through a maze of desks in the classroom. What they were not told is that the maze would constantly change and there would be many other voices that would try to fool the individual. Well in theory this was a great analogy to help students learn how to recognize and follow the Holy Ghost through the ever changing obstacles of life…while avoiding the temptations and whisperings of the Adversary and his followers….BOY WAS I WRONG!!!
The young man that was eager to volunteer at first became incredibly frustrated and at the height of his frustration he kicked his leg violently towards another young man’s head. When the foot and head connected we all could hear the awful sound of this young mans brain squishing against his skull. For a moment I thought, “I am totally getting fired for this one!” As I watch in terror for the response of the rather large and impressively strong football player, who had just taken this huge blow to the head, sit up in complete shock and pain I realized that this could also mean the death of this poor, small young man who had completely lost his cool under pressure. Instead of the terrible result, which had played out completely in my mind, I saw greatness rise within the young man who had been kicked in the head. He simply shook it off and said, “it’s okay” to the class…and to the young man who had kicked him and was now cowering unblindfolded and in disbelief and horror of his actions. That young man who had been kicked had the power to completely return what had been done to him with more devastating effect and instead he chose to forgive.
Forgiveness is more than a commandment. It is the natural occurrence of the heart full of the love of God. Forgiveness is a natural offspring of wisdom, understanding and knowledge of God and His plan for the salvation of his children. Forgiveness is so powerful. I watch how a simple act not only ended a potentially dangerous situation, it touched the hearts of all who saw this, and it has left me forever changed.
I have often thought to myself of the great acts of forgiveness in the scriptures and Church history and the miraculous results that have occurred as a result of this forgiveness. I wondered how I could be more forgiving myself when I am the one who is to use the above analogy, “kicked in the head.” I believe that through the tender mercies of the Lord I have been given A LOT of opportunities to practice this principle and along the way the Lord has opened my eyes to the beauty in people and in His power to change our hearts.
Without going into too much detail as to hurt anyone feelings that have, “kicked me in the head,” I will concentrate on the lessons learned, rather than the events that brought the lessons about…just know that for every truth I share there are at times many experiences that have helped me to see God working in his majesty to change the human heart to be more tender like his.
Be quick to forgive…forgive before the one who injured you seeks repentance. This will take practice, but it can become an instant reaction instead of a long and drawn out process.
Be quick to turn your pain, negative emotions, misunderstanding etc. over to the Lord. Through sincere prayer in the right spirit the Lord will assist us in overcoming and relieving our pain. I have often found that it is only when our pain is gone that we can clearly see how to handle the situation.
Instead of mulling hurtful events over and over in our minds, or with our friends, hand it over to the one that knows all things and has promised to teach you all things through the Holy Ghost.
Take Responsibility!!! Realize that you have contributed in some way to the problem and be willing to take responsibility for your part. (Remember that some problems come about when we have taken a stand on a righteous principle…be sure to practice Christ like attributes in working with those you have stood up to. Show forth an increase of love to those to whom you have needed to correct.)
Listen and follow the promptings of the Holy Ghost. (This takes time, practice and a good amount of knowledge on how the spirit speaks to man. Keeping all the commandments or seeking to keep all the commandments is prerequisite to having the Spirit of the Lord with us. It is easy to listen to the wrong voice and follow false revelation if we cannot keep our cool so DON’T act in or get ANGRY!!!!)
Go to the source…Do not gather facts about people and situations from secondary sources…primary source is always the best. The absolute worst thing to do is get a practice of pointless backbiting that resolves nothing. This doesn’t mean you cannot consult others in sensitive matters, but we shouldn’t ever listen to anyone over the Lord. He knows all things…including the hearts of those we struggle with. We need to go to Him to get help for ourselves understand how to help his children.
Get rid of traditional/false views of the world and of people…example “Men are pigs. Men are dogs. Men are dominating jerks.” “Women are silly and need to be controlled, and women are emotional and incapable of rational thought.” This doesn’t mean you won’t find those that fit those mold…it just means you are no longer held captive by misbeliefs and miss out on cherished relationships.
DON’T be a TWO-FACED FAKEY!!!!! I can’t emphasize this one enough. If you have been offended have the courage to process that offense the Lord’s way. This will involve honesty, courage, and restraint. Pretending that the problem never existed may work on a superficial level, but it will never recover a deep and honest friendship.
End the gossip and the busy body trend. Oh boy do I have a good story about this one…I will close with that story.
Remember when somebody does something stupid you have done stupid things too…just forgive and love them and the Lord has promised in turn that He will extend His love and forgiveness to you. (In saying this I am not at all intending that there are not grievous hurts that take great effort to overcome. This advice is for the everyday relationship hiccups that end up becoming much more of an issue than they need to be.)
Now for a personal experience I had in applying more than one of these truths. I remember being on my mission and trying to grow in the gospel, build my social skills, and learn to trust my ability to feel and recognize the Holy Ghost. I made mistakes along the way, and one BOTHERED ME A LOT! I had been given an opportunity to train a sister who was a convert to the Church as well as a native Spanish speaker. (For those of you who are not familiar with our faith I will explain that for the most part our missionaries travel in pairs or in groups of three. This is for their safety and protection; our missionary leaders make these missionary assignments. You are often put together with people very different than yourself to better meet the needs of the area, as well as to help you personally. You are expected to work with and keep your companions safe from harm and danger.)
Because there were barriers in our communication in this particular companionship I would sometimes get a feeling from the spirit that was different from the communication that was happening verbally. I would ask my companion if she was okay, if her bag was too heavy or if she was too tired and she was always saying she was fine. To be perfectly honest in hindsight I was not sure she understood my questions completely. I often used slang terms which at that time were completely unfamiliar to her. I actually didn’t realize I was using slang and had very little experience with non-native English speakers.
Looking back I could recognize that the Spirit was prompting me to be careful with her, to check on her and to change what we were doing the work so that she would not be injured. I was bothered enough by the disconnect of these two sources of information that I even sought the counsel of priesthood leadership. My Mission President said she was fine and told me not to worry about it. After I was transferred I learned that she had to go into physical therapy for injuries she endured while serving with me. Man did I feel AWFUL!!! Now I could have blamed it on my Mission President. After all he counseled me incorrectly, but I knew and felt responsible for the feelings I had and I needed to do something about it.
I started to realize that if I was going to change the way I felt about this situation I was going to need to repent (in other words change) and seek her forgiveness. I prayed for an opportunity and the opportunity came. I was given a second chance to serve with her. Little did I know that at the same time I was praying to somehow make it up to her she was praying for help in a difficult assignment. I have found that the Lord often meets more than one individual’s needs when he answers prayers….I have often found he wants to bless everyone and cause the greatest amount of good that can possibly happen when he answers.
When my former trainee learned that I was the sister that was coming to her area she was afraid. Who could blame her? I knew I would need to apologize, but my situation was a little different too. I had never meant to cause her any harm and I did need her to understand how sorry I was. All I knew at that time to do was to act differently. I helped her as much as I could and quickly took care of the problems she was dealing with and needed my help with. In the process I was also given a chance to 1. Acknowledge the fact that I didn’t do my job at taking care of her in the past, 2. And take care of her now.
When the opportunity to share my understanding that I had messed up came. It couldn’t have happened in a better way. We were eating dinner with a member who loved to gossip. Gossip was a real problem in that area and frankly everywhere. I knew that I needed to do something about it to help out the health of the struggling Branch she was apart of. I also had what I considered to be an awesome way of handling both situations at once. I know that the following was the inspiration, which I had sought diligently for in the reconciliation I sought to have with my companion.
So amid the chaos of the discussion I began…”So did you hear about Sister Morales’s first companion?” to which the gossiper responded, “No what?” There it was the eager interest on every person’s face as I began to recount the truthful tail and woe of my heart. I said, “Meanest sister in the mission!” to which my companion started to laugh...the gossiper turned to my companion the verify the story. She said yes it’s true... which made the story even better for “Sister Gossip.” I continued, “Ya she worked poor Sister Morales into the ground and when she left the area Sister Morales had to have physical therapy.”
By this time both of my companions were laughing hysterically and I was starting to see the healing that I most wanted happening in the heart of my companion. The gossiper was so into the story she quickly added, “well who is she? Because is she ever comes here then…?” (of course she nodded with the nod saying we will take care of her in a hurry.) Not really terrified at all at the threat I calmly responded that it was I and took a drink of water… The shock on the woman’s face was all I needed. I didn’t teach the principle of how gossip destroys. I hope I exemplified that even good people make mistakes. I had worked diligently for over a month to help others and serve my companions and I know they know that people can both make mistakes and change. I have also found the need to constantly bring up wrongs is equal to holding a grudge.
WARNING>>>This is the preachy part. This is what I tell myself when I really need a pep talk. If it helps you then wonderful.
So the next time someone really says or does something stupid take the opportunity to begin to respond like the Savior. Forgive them instantly. Ask in prayer that God will take away your hurt. Seek to understand the situation through the power of the Holy Ghost. Take responsibility for your part of the problem. Seek the Spirit in how to respond to the situation. When things are really difficult don’t waste time mulling it over in your mind and viciously curse the individual through evil thoughts and actions. Consider changing those false ideas that have been part of the issue. Be sincere and genuine with the people you have injured and in speaking about the situation if that is absolutely necessary. And for HEAVEN SAKE!!! Don't gossip and wreck people’s peace because you are not big enough to let it go. Finally remember you have done stupid things too…you may have never thought to injure someone the way they have injured you, but you have your own flaws that are difficult on others. By forgiving them you gain greater forgiveness from God who wants to forgive you from everything you have ever done so He can again welcome you home.
Thanks for reading.
