It is hard for me to see a need that is in my power to
assist and do nothing. I guess it is partly due to my compassionate parents who
raised me to serve, and never refuse an inspired call from the Lord. When I
think of the things that matter most in life I can honestly say that preparing
to be able to give and then giving what you have learned to others. It may seem
like a simple thing, but it is quite
simply the most important thing we can do. So many times I have heard the “What’s
in it for me” attitude, but that just won’t work if you want to make this world
a better place. A friend of mine recently posted a dilemma on Facebook, and I
feel she was inspired to ask that question. I have had a prayer in my heart to
know what I needed to write about next and when I saw her post I felt the Spirit
of the Lord in her concern. She wanted
an article that doesn’t talk about all the hardships of motherhood with the
token phrase, “but it’s all worth it”. She said she wanted an article that actually
helps her want to be a Mom. I don’t know if what I can share will help or not,
but I do feel impressed to share impressions I have had about motherhood from
the perspective that she requested.
I do not feel that my
friend is alone in this concern. I can remember feeling the exact same way. I
remember hearing all the hardships of motherhood, and I think I was kept from
most of those, but when my family and friends were struggling with the
challenges of parenthood I started to be glad I didn’t have a family. I knew
that this attitude wasn’t what I truly wanted so I tried to focus on the
eternal things of marriage and family. I searched for opportunities to see how
I could play my part as a young single adult and then a not so young single adult. Twelve years later after I had
had a complete emotional meltdown because marriage and family seemed so far
from my reach. I was married to a widower and had the instant opportunity to be
a mother. Within 3 short years, one role per year, I became a step-mom, a mom, and
a mother-in-law. Talk about a rush of
blessings! I know I wasn’t perfect in my attempts, but I had to say that
following the counsel I had received in priesthood blessings, answers to
prayers and putting my heart into my teaching career helped me to see that a
mother was my identity. It was who I was inside and who I will be for eternity
if I am faithful. I found that there were plenty of teenagers, children, family
and even friends that needed my mothering ability and I was happy to give it. Little
did I know that by helping my friends and others I was preparing for the family
I would become a part of with 2 adult sons.
I share this background just to help to set the stage for
the most important things I can share about mothering. While I learned that I
could develop my mothering ability through my efforts as a single person I
realized that the meaning and purpose for life was quite simple. We are here to
come to rely on Christ to know him and God the Eternal Father. Our experiences
can help us in understanding them…but most importantly God is an Eternal Father…Which
means there is a mother too. While we do not speak of our Heavenly Mother as we
speak of our Heavenly Father it does stand to reason that a man cannot be a
father without a mother….or more poetically put by Eliza R. Snow, “In the heaven’s
are parents single? No, The thought makes reason stare! Truth is reason; truth
eternal Tells me I’ve a mother there” (LDS Hymnal, Hymn #292). Interestingly
enough Eliza as well as others did not have the opportunity to have her own
children in this life but was a mother to others through her efforts and the
help of other women the Relief Society, Youth Retrenchment Society (the precursor
to the now young Women Program) and the primary organizations were formed
throughout the Church. She, like others, lost her life in the work of the Lord
and in turn I believe she found it. I believe that because I know the principle
in the scriptures to be true which said, “…and he that loseth his life for my
sake shall find it” (Matthew 10:39).
Whether you develop your mothering skills in a personal
family setting or in the larger family of Christ developing those skills and
abilities is what this life and we are all about. We will feel more complete,
and while I say that it completes us I do not endeavor to suggest that
motherhood is a selfish endeavor. Motherhood is anything but selfish. Even in
writing this message which I hope to be helpful I have read 11 stories, kissed
2 “ouchies” changed a diaper and changed the 2 load of laundry from the washer
to dryer. Everything I do is to help my family feel love, warmth, comfort…even
the times where I may need to correct it is to result in them feeling greater
love and experiencing greater success. I love the line from the well known, Climb Every Mountain “Climb every
mountain, Ford every stream, Follow Every rainbow Till you find your dream. A
dream that will need All the Love you can give. Every day of your life for as
long as you live.” If there is anything that describes what motherhood is it is
that beautiful phrase. Motherhood is a dream that will take all the LOVE you
can give for AS LONG AS YOU LIVE. For us of the LDS faith who believes in Eternal
Life motherhood is an eternal calling.
I have watched angelic mothers open their hearts to children
with special needs who needed a loving home. I have watched them tenderly
assist them with the love of motherhood and the purest affection. I have seen
lives change as Aunts in mother-like ways have assisted in building the dreams
of the children in her reach. I have watched selfless teachers reach out and
lead their students to believe in themselves and dream of and accomplish great
goals.
So in answer to my friend who asks for an article that isn’t
about all the trials of motherhood with the token phrase, “but it is all worth
it.” I say, MOTHERHOOD IS NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART!!! MOTHERHOOD IS FOR THE
COURAGEOUS, LOVING, FAITHFUL, KIND AND WISE ….JUST TO NAME A FEW HELPFUL
ATTRIBUTES. I by no means suggest that mothers need to be perfect, but they
need those attributes and they will grow with time and faith. I have found that
there are many times when I haven’t known what to do but as I HUMBLY SOUGHT FOR
THE AID OF HEAVEN THE ANSWERS CAME. When working in the realm of mother I have
found such tender experiences that have gained me greater access to heaven. I
have needed to overcome my weakness and practiced the law of sacrifice in such
a way that I have found that the things I have given up truly seem small
compared with the sweet hugs and I love you so much Mom as little arm reach up…
that come from my sweet little boy. I feel the trust he has in me. Oh that
sacred trust that I never want to break. There is something so precious about
this innocent little one needing you for everything. It is hard to describe
motherhood because of the personal tender feeling that seems to overpower you
in those sweet and quiet moments with your child. I know that everyone
experiences things differently but I hope only to open about mine.
Lessons that Motherhood
is Teaching Me
While I knew I would learn and grown as a mom I couldn’t anticipate
how much I would learn and the intensity of the experience. While I tried for
years to serve and love children nothing quite prepared me for mothering my
own. I can honestly say there isn’t a skill or talent I posses that I haven’t
needed. In fact I have needed more. I am beginning to understand the women that
said a mother is so much more than a caregiver…she is a nurse, a physiatrist, a
cheerleader, a #1 Fan, a chef, a clown…(Even if they are a little scary…I have
learned moms can be a little scary too. ) I have been a maintenance expert, a gardener,
a life guard, a teacher, a coach, a playmate, and whatever my child needs. But
I believe that in honestly striving to do my best and following the Lord in discipline
and teaching and training my child and loving and serving the adult “children”
in my care I have become the part of myself that I always knew was there.
The experiences I had with children, before I married and
had my own, were precious and instructive; the sad part was that they ended. I
wept every time I said goodbye to a group of missionaries that I taught in the
MTC. I missed my seminary students when they were no longer in my class, well
maybe not all of them. The week trips with my nephews were never long enough. I
was grateful for my responsibilities because it gave me something I could put
my whole heart into and now that I am a mom no less is required.
I found that I can be happy even in the middle of the night
when I am awakened by a child that needs my comfort…I am happy because my
comfort works, there is a power in it. It feels great to help calm them when
they are afraid.
I found when taking my child in public that most people are
pretty understanding of children’s tantrums…I don’t need to worry about anyone’s
unfair judgments I just need to assist my child to understand what to do to be
respectful and good. In fact, sometime others are really helpful
and kind. It is nice to see how children break down our barriers and help us to
interact with others we might not have the privilege too. One time my son kept pointing to a man in the swimming
pool that had long hair and a beard…he was not yet two and didn’t speak clearly
but I knew what he was saying, over and over again he said sus, sus, which was
the word he used for Jesus. Knowing that it was obvious to the man and the
woman he was with my son was pointing at and speaking about we approached him
and told him that our son thought he was Jesus. At first he was a little
embarrassed, but then he just did something sweet, he waived and kindly smiled
at my little boy wo could just not stop pointing and saying “‘sus” “’sus”.
Later when we were getting ready to check out my husband forgot the hotel key thus
locking himself out. Hoping for help he turned to the couple that was also in
to the parking lot and asked for them to let him use their key to get back
inside. They kindly obliged and to my husband’s surprise it was the same couple
from the pool. “Sus” opened the door and his sweet companion said, “Jesus Saved
you again.” It was such a fun and sweet interaction and a great memory we had with
complete strangers just because of the barriers that came down through an
innocent child.
I have found that I have unlimited access to a limitless
power source in the atonement whenever I need a lift. I learned before and I
have found even more now that I can learn and have miraculously given to me any
gift, skill, and talent I need to accomplish the precious work of motherhood. I
have found that my arms are a lot stronger when I am constantly lifting one who
cannot lift their own burden. I have found that my efforts are never wasted
even if the outcome is different than I intended.
I have found that I was stronger than I thought. When I was
struggling to heal from a cesarean, which was complicated by fibromyalgia and chronic
fatigue syndrome, I could take care of my helpless little boy only weeks old and
myself when my husband and all other help were gone.
I have found even more now that seeking another’s happiness
is better than seeking my own. There is something delightful about a laugh or a
giggle that you helped to initiate…or the look of surprise when you have
created some fun activity for them to join in on. It is so difficult to put
into words what it feels like, but everyone who has seen a burden lifted
because of the kindness and talents of others being selflessly shared can
attest, it is wonderful!
No Matter Where the
Lord Places us here on Earth He knows Perfectly what He is Preparing Us For
Becoming a step-mother instantly upon marrying my husband
made all of the years of prayerful preparation make sense. It was not an easy
task to marry into a grieving family, but life had never been easy. Because of
experiences I had through the years I knew a little of how to love others who
were grieving and who belonged to another. I sought to respect and honor the
mother they had lost and try to keep all of the Christmas traditions that I
could. I felt a sweet feeling of the Spirit as I wrapped every little gift that
would go into their stockings with the last of the Christmas paper that their
Mom had in storage. I tried to make their favorite meals…even if they didn’t
always turn out like their mother’s it spurred discussions and memories of
their mothers that were healing and bonding for me as a new member of the
family. I won’t say that I always knew what to do or say, but I am grateful for
the moments that did work out, and know that it was entirely the Lord and His
well timed lessons.
I remember clearly when my kind step-sons cradled their new
brother in their arms and that sweet feeling as I saw my husband sleep in
uncomfortable hospital chairs so he would be able to watch over me and his new
son. There is something sacred and deep about the love that grows between you. This was a new experience for me from the
perspective of motherhood, but it was like watching the same scene of a movie
with a different perspective…the understanding deepens but the family was
always there. Watching my husband be a father while he teaches and plays with
our boy creates one of the greatest feelings I have ever felt in my heart. It feels so good to see him be a good Dad. I
always thought a loving family that seeks to follow the Lord was the most
wonderful organization I could be a part of. BUT NOW I can understand a little
more why God is the way He is. I know a little more why He is so forgiving of
our mistakes and sins…He is a kind and perfect FATHER and that’s what loving
fathers and mothers do. God is so willing to give us another chance to begin
anew. I understand better now as a parent how God patience, forgiveness, perfect
love and kindness is more precious than any worldly wealth.
I am so thankful for my family. I am grateful for their
kindness and their willingness to help out when its needed. They make the good
times better and the bad times bearable, and the more the merrier. True that to
love means to morn at the time of loss, but that’s the great thing about
eternity is it doesn’t end. That is the wonderful thing about being a mom its
and eternal role that all women can partake of if they desire and seek for it. That
may not make a lot of sense, but it is worth the investigation. Even though I
am an official mom now I don’t feel much different than I did when I was single…well
besides a few extra pounds I am still struggling to lose. While I wasn’t always
successful at not accepting the labels of society loves to dole out on the
unmarried spinsters who are obviously too picky and full of themselves to sacrifice
for the needs of a family…. I was successful in recognizing that my identity was
something that wouldn’t change no matter what people thought of me. I always
had a “Mother Heart”…and though I didn’t have my own children I always felt
like I was a mother inside. There is even scriptural justification for it as
was first pointed out to me by Sheri Dew, a former member of the General Relief
Society Presidency, Eve was called mother before she ever had seed. In looking back I guess that is why I could
walk away from a career and recognition to a quiet life as a mother because my
job didn’t define who I was. I was me in the classroom and the lecture hall and
I am still me. I look at everyone as being more than what they are doing and a
part of something greater.
I don’t know if this is the kind of article that my sweet
friend was looking for, but perhaps it is an article that someone is looking
for. Perhaps someday my own
grandchildren will get to know me by reading these words…whatever the reason I
am just happy for the opportunity to share the feeling of my heart about
something I cherish…Mother is just who I was and hope to always be. I would
like to close with a quote from Elder Neal A. Andersen a member of the Quorum
of the Twelve Apostles given in the October General Conference of the Church of
Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The talk is entitled “Children,” He states, Many voices in the world today marginalize the importance
of having children or suggest delaying or limiting children in a family. My
daughters recently referred me to a blog written by
a Christian mother (not of our faith) with five children. She
commented: “[Growing] up in this culture, it is very hard to get a biblical
perspective on motherhood. … Children rank way below college. Below world
travel for sure. Below the ability to go out at night at your leisure. Below
honing your body at the gym. Below any job you may have or hope to get.” She
then adds: “Motherhood is not a hobby, it is a calling. You do not collect
children because you find them cuter than stamps. It is not something to do if
you can squeeze the time in. It is what God gave you time for.”
